Ginny was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do." he responded, then returned to his book.
Ginny persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do." he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Ginny asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Ginny, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Ginny dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some of these sayings:
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
Office Christmas Party
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc?e is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
A farmer's son was explaining to his father how he would like to continue the family tradition of working the land just like his father and his father's father before him had done.
"But son," came the reply from the father, "don't you know that farming is a dying trade? What with cheap imports and low supermarket prices it's almost impossible to make a success of farming today and probably into the future. What are you thinking?! I've worked hard for years on this farm to make options for you so that you could choose what you do with your life. Please son I beg you to reconsider."
But the son replied that he was adamant in his choice of career.
So the farmer walked across the room to his son and kicked him in his wedding tackle!
"Well son," he said, "that's how farming will feel everyday of your life....Consider that your first two acres."
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It?s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Pretty funny ad here. I'm not spruiking for the seller...
www.seabreeze.com.au/Classifieds/Windsurfing-Boards/~am60c/Quatro-Goya.aspx?search=6dS!E7kXONTNaWZQFworNw==
A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all your sexual needs.''
''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?''
''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, anytime you want, except for Wednesdays.''
''What happens on Wednesdays?''
''It's your turn in the barrel...''
What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne?
A waiter.
What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.
What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman.
Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers .
What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.
What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both
What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes
The Australian bob-sleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of herblouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silkypush-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductivelyreached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled FiftyDollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quickerwith anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused andexcited, to which she replied............
"Go look in the garage," .
When you are over fifty who gives a damn?
This arsehole of a girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Tooheys or Fosters?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, ?Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Contemporary Philosophers;
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn *****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu *****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman *****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes *****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb *****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind *****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr *****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor *****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy *****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip *****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. *****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford *****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan *****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall *****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand *****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. *****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden *****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz *****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson *****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C Clarke *****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin *****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante *****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell *****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts *****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport ~ Jonathan Winters *****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost.
One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, "OK see that big mountain over there?"
"Yes," answered the others eagerly.
"Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
I suspect a little frustrated?
Jarrod Byrne
Underground Maintenance Planner
Bounty Gold Mine, Mt Holland
Forrestania, Western Australia
Tel (090) 394 527, Fax (090) 394 528
Nissan Motor Co (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
C/O 244 Welshpool Rd, Welshpool
W.A. 6106
ATTENTION: Mr Neville Green, General Manager ? National Parts
Dear Sir,
I would like to bring to your attention some serious faults in Nissan Motor Co in regard to parts availability, lead times and pricing. Currently we have a Nissan W40 Civilian bus that we cannot use to transport staff to and from the mine. The reason this bus is not operational is not labour or condition related, it is because of a denial on the part of yourself and Nissan Motor Co to adequately supply your clientele with parts I give you the example of the following items:
ITEM?PART NUMBER?QUANTITY BEGGED FOR
Nut?NI-40208-00221?10
Washer?NI-40208-82100?10
Seal-Oil?NI-48252-32100?2
Wheel Rim?NI-40800-99071?2
Drum Brake?NI-40206-T8100?2
Hub Bolt?NI-40222-J5625?10
Brake Shoes?NI-43060-T9627?1
Nut?NI-40224-J5610?10
Nut?NI-48226-J5610?10
Of these items I tried to purchase, only 3 are available in W.A. It stretches the bounds of credulity that items such as wheel nuts (a consumable in most of the known world) are available with a lead time of 4 days-ex east. What resoundingly snaps the bounds of credulity clean in half is that items such as brake shoes are ex Japan (6 weeks). I cannot deny the effectiveness of these components, they not only slow the bus down, they have the ability to stop it stone ****ing dead for 6 weeks! I didn't even bother enquiring availability on such complicated parts such as washers etc. ? the only washers in stock would be ? Washer? Wind **** out of this customer and tell him it's ex east.
On the rare occasion we have been delivered parts within an acceptable time period, they have been entirely wrong. It is not that the wrong parts are ordered, it is that some of your parts interpreters are so green I couldn't set them on fire with petrol.
These are not isolated incidents, they occur every time we try to purchase parts, from $10.00 hoses, at $109.40 each, through to internal gearbox components that are second only to thermonuclear warheads in their capacity to annihlate all that surrounds them.
It is astounding that in this day of interstate air and road transport at least 6 times a day, you peanuts take 4 days to get a part across the country. May I suggest you stop freighting the parts with Nissan transport vehicles as the 3 week delay in Nissan's 24 hr roadside assist is becoming too much for us to bear.
I could elaborate on the complete frustration I feel from trying to keep the bus on the road safely. Suffice to say the bus driver now has a firm belief in the afterlife and we haven't ruled out danger money for the position.
Please don't get me wrong, I could handle the first 35 times of being ****ed around, (the apologetic kiss from customer support was always welcome). Now that you've turned it into a bizarre form of sado-masochism complete with scratching and biting, I feel I have to complain...
I look forward to discussing every single frustrating event of the past 8 months with you.
I SINCERELY HOPE YOU BASTARDS NEVER BUILD PLANES!
Yours in utter amazement,
Jarrod Byrne
CC.
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll find out tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
A mother and father take their 6-year old son
to a nude beach.
As the boy
walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than
his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier
the lady is.'
The boy,
pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his
mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the
dumber the man is'
Again
satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and
promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach,
and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
After reading the rant about bus parts I will relate a true story . I bought a new ford transit crew cab chassis & as there made in turkey & are shipped by boat I was told If I wanted a custom colour or modifications it would take 4 months but if I wanted white I could order one that's already on its way here in it would be ready in 4 weeks. Great white standard cool 4 weeks here's my money after 3months s & not hearing from Cumberland ford Blacktown name & shame I ring up and I swear to god this is the conversation Yeah hi its Max ringing about my transit I though I would have had it by now so what's happing . IM SORRY THERE HAS BEEN EXTEREMLY STRONG TIDES & THEY HAVE DELAYED THE BOAT .how long then ANOTHER 3 MONTHS I said your joking you didn't get me on the last order did you.NO IT WAS ALREADY ON THE WAY HERE THERES BEEN VERY STONG TIDES &THEY HAVE DELAYED THE BOAT & Your joking right Be honest you didn't get me on the last boat did you ( I could have changed the colour & got the 7 seatbelt option But it cost more but the grey is so cool & if I had of know I would have up graded here is my reply form ford NO YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ON THAT ORDER ITS JUST THE BOATS BEEN HELD UP BY STRONG TIDES FOR 6 MONTHS. I said you would think after 200 years of coming here buy boat they would have worked out the tides buy now & she said I KNOW ITS AMAZING ISNT IT I said yes it is amazing Oh well I guess ill have to wait thank you could you let me know in future what's happing & hung up If it had have been a man who sold me the car & I was dealing with well I think I might have gone down there & kicked him in the nuts .But maybe I get a bit touchy being deaf & people treating me like I am retarded. Its funny what bull**** a car saleperson will tell you.
This gorilla is so sexually frustrated that he swears the next thing that comes down the water hole he's going to jump out of the tree & shag it.
Well the very next thing that comes down the water hole is a lioness but his frustration overcomes his sensibility & he jumps out of the tree & gives the lioness a major seeing to then when he's finished realises that the lion is less than happy about this.
So he pushes her in the water hole & runs for his life .
Well the lioness is after him like a shot & she remorselessly chases him for days until they run out of jungle & the gorilla reaches a town.
The gorilla has a moment of total desperation as he reaches the edge of the jungle & just sees park land as he knows deep in his heart that the lioness will soon run him down out of the jungle .
But as luck would have it there's a drunken bum asleep under a news paper on a bench not to far away from the jungle edge & with a last bit of desperation he runs out belts the bum over the head stripes him of his jacket & hat stuffs him under the bench puts on the jacket & hat &only just has time lift the news paper to hold a newspaper in front of his face .
when the lioness come along & looks around & asks .
Have you seen a gorilla run past here?
The gorilla mumbles what the one who shagged the lioness?
The lioness exclaims What its in the papers already?
Joshua walks into a pharmacy store and asks the girl at the counter where he could find tampons. The girl points out the racks where he could find what he wanted.
He returns after a few moments with some string, a roll of scotch tape, and a bag of cotton balls.
The counter girl comments, "I thought you wanted tampons."
Joshua replies, "Yes, I came to buy tampons for my wife. Then I remembered the time when I sent my wife out for cigarettes and she came home with rolling papers and a bag of tobacco saying it was cheaper to do it myself."
Makerel Well at least is was an attempt at a new joke. Unlike most I see lately that have already been posted before.
Select to expand quoteactiomax said..
After reading the rant about bus parts I will relate a true story . I bought a new ford transit crew cab chassis & as there made in turkey & are shipped by boat I was told If I wanted a custom colour or modifications it would take 4 months but if I wanted white I could order one that's already on its way here in it would be ready in 4 weeks. Great white standard cool 4 weeks here's my money after 3months s & not hearing from Cumberland ford Blacktown name & shame I ring up and I swear to god this is the conversation Yeah hi its Max ringing about my transit I though I would have had it by now so what's happing . IM SORRY THERE HAS BEEN EXTEREMLY STRONG TIDES & THEY HAVE DELAYED THE BOAT .how long then ANOTHER 3 MONTHS I said your joking you didn't get me on the last order did you.NO IT WAS ALREADY ON THE WAY HERE THERES BEEN VERY STONG TIDES &THEY HAVE DELAYED THE BOAT & Your joking right Be honest you didn't get me on the last boat did you ( I could have changed the colour & got the 7 seatbelt option But it cost more but the grey is so cool & if I had of know I would have up graded here is my reply form ford NO YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ON THAT ORDER ITS JUST THE BOATS BEEN HELD UP BY STRONG TIDES FOR 6 MONTHS. I said you would think after 200 years of coming here buy boat they would have worked out the tides buy now & she said I KNOW ITS AMAZING ISNT IT I said yes it is amazing Oh well I guess ill have to wait thank you could you let me know in future what's happing & hung up If it had have been a man who sold me the car & I was dealing with well I think I might have gone down there & kicked him in the nuts .But maybe I get a bit touchy being deaf & people treating me like I am retarded. Its funny what bull**** a car saleperson will tell you.
Maybe Ford should be providing boats for the boat people... thatll slow em down ;)
