A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun.
She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.
When he went outside, the girl sneaked around the fence. When he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a handjob.
When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him a blowjob.
When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.
When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"
He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want 3 metres of that fence!"
A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.
After flicking through the magazine her husband says, 'To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help.'
Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.........He was caught in a trap.
Does a mute incontinent. Go without saying?
Pronouns.........are just like normal nouns, just more highly trained.
If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time.
I was in a wrestling match and the other guy got me in a head lock and wrote his name on my forehead..........It was his signature move
I was discussing palindromes with a group of friends yesterday, they included:
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel and Ellen.
Hell I don't even know what a bloody palindrome is! (Think About It).
I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive.
His wife stands in the middle of it and won???t let him out.
I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s. It was the worst prostate exam ever.
I typed "Missing medieval servant" into Google and it came up with "Page not found"
Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
Jimmy: "Can I ask you a question?"
Ted: "Sure, what is it?"
Jimmy: "It's an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge."
I find it rather odd that people say Jesus used to be a carpenter............I've got all of their records and I can't recall him singing on any of them.
Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.
I've just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows....And some of the sheep are pretty easy on the eye too.
My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner...........But someone let the cat out of the bag.
A midget walked into my local shop today and called the shop keeper a "towel headed camel jockey???. I thought......... "That???s a little racist!"
To Err is human. To Arrrr is Pirate.
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.........The suspension is killing me.
There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland..........I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.
Today at work, my boss told me to lighten the f*** up. Fair enough, I guess, I am the electrician on a porn set.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I got so pissed last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost my car.
News Headline 'LSD makes users lose weight'. That makes sense; it's bloody hard to get to the fridge when there's a 10 foot tall purple dragon guarding it.
If there's one thing I've learnt from Formula 1 over the past 2 decades, it's the German national anthem.
The American flag on the moon has turned white due to the exposure of solar radiation. That's great. Now France will claim that they've landed on the moon.
Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em?
Me and Cheryl have just been fighting over which is the best vowel......I won.
Last night Cheryl said that I've got delayed reactions. I was so shocked I had to pause for a minute.
Cheryl is taking me out shopping tomorrow she said I need new clothes as I look too middle aged. Bugger that, I love wearing my suit of armour
.
Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours? It???s a real worst case scenario.
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking...........And then I saw her face.
Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.
I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Schooner of Gold please mate."
He said, "Are you 18?"
I said, "No."
He said, "I can't serve you then."
As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a schooie round here?"
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money."
"Jesus loves you." May be a nice gesture in church. But it???s not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison.
I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about this.
Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I saw a guy stacking shelves at Coles complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up. I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.
Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking and that's about the same.
I said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis."
He said, "Oh what, the one with Adolf in?"
I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis."
I just hired a really uncomfortable car......It Hertz like hell.
I've got a fear of two-letter words.......I get scared just thinking about it.
My wife made the allegation "I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"
ABC News reported ???Bartender drowned in a tidal wave of tonic water after a case exploded??? sources say he was schwepped away.
Took me 2 hours to grill a chicken yesterday but still couldn't get it to tell me why it crossed the bloody road.
I've found out the reason that women ask so many questions.......They have an extra why chromosome.
I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig. It was pretty standard, but I got to the end and found there to be a twist in the tale.
My mate used to be a heroin addict until he started cutting the stuff with OMO...... He???s been clean ever since.
My mate Daniel wouldn't believe me when I told him that his name was an anagram.....He's in denial.
News Headline 'Mystery over flat victim's death' No mystery to me ... He probably got run over by a steam-roller.
I used to feed gorillas at the Zoo from a distance using a golf club........I'd drive them bananas.
Edward Deidde, the man who spent his entire life explaining that his surname was "deed" has collapsed..........He was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead
"Have I made myself clear?".....Said the chameleon as he stood in front of a sheet of glass.
I was coming home from work today and I saw a Nun riding on a Clowns back. I couldn???t help but think that's just virgin' on the ridiculous.
A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.
"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.
"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club," the pygmy replies.
"Crikey, you must have a big club," says the Zulu.
"Aye, there's about thirty of us."
And finally............
My three unwritten rules :
1.
2.
3
An Arab, an Afghan And an Australian Sheila are in the same bar.
When the Afghan finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Afghanistan ,
Our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously Impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Aussie Sheila
cool as a cucumber, picks up her bundy & coke, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the
Afghan and The Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
Here's an oldie ....
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic."
This student got the only A.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'. "
Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
A man walks into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks,
"Sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he informs her.
The receptionist indignantly responds, "Sir, you shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he says.
"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walks out, waits several minutes, and re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he states.
The receptionist nods approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"It burns when I piss out of it," the man replied.
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, crying. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
The boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday."
"That's awful," the lady replied angrily. "Your father is a real b@stard!"
"I know," said the little boy. "He promised I could do it."
The priest was preparing a man for his long days journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to pi$$ anybody off!"
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal."
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."
A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, "I love you".
Girl asks "Is it you or the beer talking?".
Boy replies, "Its me. Talking to my beer."
Employee: Boss, you called me?
Boss: Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee (After an hour): Done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more.
Employee: Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.
A wonderful, cautionary tale.
King Arthur, Lancelot, and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by years end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur - he said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur???s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered???.is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened ?- the beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life
Now.what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way,
Things are going to get ugly.
^^ Alternative moral of the story....
It doesn't matter if a woman is beautiful or ugly...
Because deep down inside....
She is still a witch! 
Airline Hostie: "Would you like some head-phones?"
Customer: "Well yes please, and how did you know my name was Phones!"
My new kiwi neighbor popped his head over the fence today and said, "Hey bro, what's going down?"
I said, "The value of my f***ing house you f***ing prick!"
____________________________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "F**k that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
____________________________________________________
What's the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits, had his own f***ing bike and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________
A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they f***ed my wife after only five cans!"
____________________________________________________
"My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister???s throat!???
____________________________________________________
I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" . . .thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f**k out of this bloke at a party. In my defence... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
What's the difference between a black fella and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.
Why are aspirins white? Because they work.
How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in to me and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - cuz when you're coming, you look like a f***ing Down's Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny. Spooky or what?
____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
____________________________________________________
My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. She has no sense of humour.
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10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says.
"If any of you are Paedophiles, you can **** off down to HELL"
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out.
"And take this deaf b@stard with you".
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In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you
do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer: Throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped
me on the shoulder and said.
"I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said. "Sorry mate. Did he drown?"
"No." he said. "He choked on a sock."
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The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ar$e."
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife came out of the bathroom and said.
"I have just shaved my pu$$y and you know what that means don't you?"
I said. "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again!"
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Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. "F***in hang about!!!!"
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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted. "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said. "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well, I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing.
I said. "That's gonna be a bit awkward isn't."
"Not really", He said.
"I still have the receipt, you insensitive b@stard."
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
"Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Fire truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing".
"What is that my son", God answered.
"Well it would be nice to have a mate, I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I'm asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night." said Adam.
"Wow that's a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it's going to cost you". said God.
"Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam
"An arm and a leg." replied God.
Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
The administration of an primary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction).
One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.
"I can't say it."
"It's okay to tell me; you won't get in trouble for it."
"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."
"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"
"Well... it rhymes with 'f*ck'."
The Wilderness Society protest in Hobart came to an abrupt end today after police threatened to put warm soapy water in the water cannon. The Greens are protesting loudly and claim that this is inhumane treatment of their supporters.
Three Wilderness Society protesters drowned today, they probably should have thought of a more efficient way to get their message across rather than chaining themselves to a whale.
My wife is a bit of a tree-hugger, so she went ape **** when I ran over a frog.
I said, "Well I couldn't avoid him and it's not like they serve any purpose."
She shouted, "He was on a bloody bike, wearing a beret, a striped shirt and had a string of onions over his shoulder and ........ you're supposed to be driving on the other side of the bloody road."
An avid bow hunter was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
The hunter replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next?', 'Who am I going to screw next?' and 'Can I run fast enough to get away?' In fact they are very much like the French."
What did France used to be called?
Germany, up until 1945 when the rest of the world changed it for them.
I threw one of my students out of a lesson for wanting to fight.
That sort of behaviour will not be tolerated in the French armed forces!
My daughter kissed a frog hoping he would turn into a charming prince.
Didn't work, he just stayed a smelly scruffy French bastard.
What's the difference between a Frenchman and a hedgehog?
One's a smelly, louse ridden; snail eating creature with no bloody road sense...
...and the other's a hedgehog!
What???s the difference between a Frenchman and a chimpanzee?
One of them is hairy, stinky, and scratches his arse all the time. The other is an African ape.
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size
of her Mills and Wares on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she
caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you
before you realised it was caught?"
A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate exam. A week later he comes back to the same doctor and asks him to do the exam again.
The doctor says, "Okay, it never hurts to be careful. I might have missed something."
So the doctor does the exam all over again.
The next week the same man goes to the same doctor and asks the doc for another exam.
The doc says, "Again? This really is not necessary - but, it's your money."
He performs the exam again, and this time something pricks his finger. The doctor pulls out a dozen long-stem roses.
The doc says to the man, "Here's the problem, you have a dozen long-stem roses in your rectum."
The man then excitedly replies, "Read the card! Read the card."
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her the car radio was voice-activated, and she would only need to state aloud the type of music she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song.
She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "classic rock;" the radio station changed and a song by Van Halen came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole !"..... the radio cut over to Tony Abbott's press conference.
The Ocean - ALL you Need to Know!!
Children Writing About the Ocean ....
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.(James, age 7)
Q: What is the difference between Rudd, Abbott and your Mother-in-Law?
A: Rudd couldn't tell a lie, Abbott couldn't tell the truth, your Mother-in-Law doesn't know the difference.
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life."
"But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I know," said his boss.
