A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Select to expand quotePitbull said..
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Is this pigeon english or something
I cant make out what it means
A man was fishing.
He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi When his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.
He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!" For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just teasing you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
Select to expand quoteTest pilot 1 said..Pitbull said..
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Is this pigeon english or something I cant make out what it means
OK Try this one 4 size
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that don't understand binaries, and those who do.
Yes, it took me a minute to get it, too.
Select to expand quoteMr Milk said..[b]
OK Try this one 4 size
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that don't understand binaries, and those who do.
Yes, it took me a minute to get it, too.
Now I'm confused? 10 is three!
Select to expand quoteDNSDC said..Mr Milk said..
OK Try this one 4 size
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that don't understand binaries, and those who do.
Yes, it took me a minute to get it, too.
Now I'm confused? 10 is three!
Binaries, not trinaries
Select to expand quoteDNSDC said..
Now I'm confused? 10 is three!
Yes, you're right, you are confused. 10 is 2 
BLOKE " Doc help me, I feel like a pair of curtains"
DOCTOR " Pull yourself together man"
If in his 20s a guy lives right, it's once in the morning and twice at night.
If in his 30s, he still lives right, he misses the mornings and sometimes at night.
In his 40s, it's now and then.
In his 50s, it's just God knows when.
In his 60s, he's slightly declined.
But don't let him kid you, it's still on his mind.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
A man took his old duck to the vet, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The vet explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the vet runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the vet inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the vet.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took his head out of the vice."
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
This couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie but the bar - you know - the frozen glass?"
He didn"t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey - at the bar - you know - the swearing, the dirty words and all that!"
"You want dirty words cutie pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR F***ING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F***ING MUG AND EAT YOUR F***ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT A$$HOLE?!!"
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, "Do you want a bag?"
The guy says, "No. She's not that ugly."
NEW FORD for 2013...
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome, or just get a rental for a short time.
A young Afghani gets signed up by the Bulldogs Rugby League Team.
Noel Cleal flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani star in a local game
of rugby played with an inflated goat's bladder. He is suitably
impressed, gets on the phone to Des Hasler, signs the boy on the spot
and arranges for him to come over to Sydney.
Two weeks later The Doggies are 12 - 0 down to The Sea Eagles at home
with only 20 minutes left - it's been a hard day at the office.
Hasler gives the young Afghani winger the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, playing an absolute blinder. He scores 3
tries in 20 minutes, converts all of them himself from out wide and wins
the game for Canterbury . The Belmore Oval fans are delighted, the
players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star of
Rugby League.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day in the NRL.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were
12 - 0 down but I scored 3 tries - they call it a hat-trick - and we
won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me - I'm
so happy."
"Just wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day ...
... Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed
and assaulted - she would have been raped but for a passing police
vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire
to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great
time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum,
"It's your bloody fault we came to Bankstown in the first place!"
We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus Bull. We put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that???s possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him each day.
They worked like a charm the bull started to service the cows within two days. All of OUR cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all our neighbour's cows!
He's been breeding just about everything in sight.
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him..................but they taste a bit like peppermint!!
I have no doubt that that my old man hated me. When he proposed I should start at the bottom, he was teaching me how to swim.
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too'."
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"
This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing down his self-esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be hanged that night for a capital crime. He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity.
His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?"
"They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"
"I understand. Go take a bath, and I'll get supper ready for you, Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging. Now, won't that make you feel better?"
He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal. Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The heading said, 'WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION.'
She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub.
She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, then what is?"
"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."
'An Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey'
The missus bought a Paperback down Shepton, Saturday, I had a look in her bag; ...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it, ...At ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor, And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn’t weathered well; She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer!She struggled up upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said... I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Mabel, You’d see just why I spluttered, I’d spent two months in traction For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like; Bent forward just a bit …. I thought oh well, what the hell, and stood on her left tit!Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: “Step on the other one!”
Well readers, I can’t tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of Grey.
by John Summers
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just got my water bill of $475. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect!"
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, "So what were you watching?"
Billy says, "Wimbledon."
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humour!"
Teacher: "Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand."
Johnny: "My penis in your hand."
Teacher: "What?"
Johnny: "Sorry ma'am, I forgot to put a space between 'pen' and 'is'."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson
The great question.. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan
"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn???t.??? The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O'Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel
"Honey, what happened to 'ladies first?' " Husband replies, "That's the reason why the world's a mess today, because a lady went first!"
David Letterman
"First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!"
Jay Leno
