A Diary of a Pom In Karratha
August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Karratha, Western Australia, now this is a town that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my my home. I love it here.
September 13th
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
September 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but i love it here.
October 10th
This temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat.
At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time i got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran way. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat sh1t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant fxxking blow dryer!! And it?s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here.
November 4th
Its 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,500 and gets the temp down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it?s about 30. Stupid repairman.
I hate this stupid fxxkin place.
November 8th
If another wise arse cracks, "hot enough for you today" I'm going to fxxkin throttle him. Fxxkin heat!
By the time I get to work, the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking fxxkin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th
Tried to run some messages around work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my fxxkin arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my fxxkin arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass and baked cat.
November 10th
The weather report might as well be a fxxkin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and fxxkin sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fxxkin place? Water rationing will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms just might dry up and bow into the fxxkin pool. Even the palms can't live in this fxxkin heat.
November 14th
Welcome to HELL!!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioners gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said "hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my ass out of jail for assaulting the stupid fxxker. Fxxk Karratha! What kind of sick demented fxxkin idiot would want to live here?
December 1st
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer??? You are fxxkin kiddin!!!
There I was sitting at a long red traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-British slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the crossing and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Bloody hell...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
The world economy explained with two cows.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.
AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One of them's a horse.
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"
"That's Perth, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance, their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephants trunk, dear" she replied.
"No, not that."
"Oh, that's the elephants tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
"That's the elephants trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephants trunk is. The thing at the other end."
"Oh, that's the elephants tail."
"No. Down there."
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephants penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
Why Men Are Happier
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animals skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."
He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep...
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"
His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
"What did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and said, 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"
Rex, the cowboy walked into a bar and said, "Okay, which one of you jokers painted my horse's balls green?"
A mean 6'4" gunfighter got up and said, "I did."
"Oh," Rex swallowed hard and said, "I just came to tell you that the first coat is dry."
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then he spoke: ?Have you noticed what I've done??
?Of course, dear. Every single detail!?
?Good. That?s how I want my breakfast served every morning.?
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent."
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!".
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live?. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
Aussie help line ( from a mate in South Africa)
G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach , Australia He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?! wragtig ..." replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing outthere?"
"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.
F@kken great country this!" said Van, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home nowadays!"
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the a$$ and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"
A month ago, Morris read that smoking kills people;
He stopped smoking from that day.
Two weeks ago, Morris read that too much red meat kills people;
He stopped eating red meat from that day.
One week ago, Morris read that too much drinking kills people;
He stopped drinking from that day.
Yesterday, Morris read that too much sex can kill people;
He stopped reading from that day.
Request for a raise by a penis.
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don?t get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative ? you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don?t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You?ll retire well before reaching 65
You?re unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day?s work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
One night this guy and his new girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, ?Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.?
The guy says, ?Well, give me some examples.?
The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, ?Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn?t for me.
?The second way is if a man fumbles around and can?t seem to find the key hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn?t for me either.?
Then she said, ?Honey, how do you unlock your door??
He then proceeded to say, ?Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.?
lived in Karratha 20 yrs loved every second be there in a flash if the wife unit would go
An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.
After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in December and the second time is usually in June!"
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways.
The interviewer asked him, "Do you know how to use the equipment?"
"Yes," the boy replied.
"Then what would you do if you realised that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"
The young applicant thought and replied, "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation."
"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"
"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually."
"And if the lever was broken?"
"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.
"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"
The boy thought about that one.
"I'd run into town and get my uncle."
"Is your uncle an electrician?"
"No, but he's never seen a train crash before."
??A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream, so he shouts "Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow ****e an it could kill thee"
The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be
speaking clearer and slower please"
The farmer replies: " if....you.... Use.... Two ....Hands.......
You....Wont.... Spill ....Any"
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.
"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.
"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.
"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a motel every night."
Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.
"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You"ll see."
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his 'penguin.'
Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.
Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the woodwork class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
Insults with class.....
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,
whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;
I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends...?
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ....if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ...for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.
Classic dy. Top effort.
Another one from Paul Keating.
"This is the recession we had to have."
Select to expand quotedesertyank said..
Insults with class.....
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,
whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;
I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends...?
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ....if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ...for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.
Is that coming from twitter? ;)
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his
> parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He> calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'*
>
> 'With what money?' demanded his parents. They** **knew what a Chevrolet
> Avalanche cost.* *
>
> 'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the
> parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for
> fifteen dollars?' they said.* *
> **
>
> 'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name-they
> just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
> buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'* *
>
> 'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who
> knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's
> going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the
> lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!*
> *
> He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new
> Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
>
>
> 'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I
> thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off
> to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back). *
>
> He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new
> Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.*
> *
> So I did.'
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man downstairs to the garage and jammed his penis in a vise.
He secured it tightly, super glued it, then removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Waiiiiit! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "No, you are. I'm setting the garage on fire."
This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.
The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT pleased!
"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"
