A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.
C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.
C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman replies,
"No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors. The rest are all my friends.
Points to Ponder
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
7. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
8. Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
9. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
10. Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
11. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
12. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
13. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
14. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
15. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that?s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
16. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
17. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!??" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"Can you imagine what disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
One day, a deaf mute walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his willy on the counter, and puts down a five dollar note next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't make a bet..."
A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison... The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction..
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Alfonso.
Poor Alfonso. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Alfonso quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
...and all the other bells started to ring.
An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee.... As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
Jack, a young boy from St. Alban's, England was asked by his teacher to spell the word 'straight.' Jack did so without error.
'Well done!' smiled the teacher, 'Now, Jack, what does it mean?'
'Without water in it!' responded Jack immediately.
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. 'Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.'
'What's the problem?' the doctor inquired.
'Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away''
'My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.'
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. 'Did my advice not work?' asked the doctor.
'It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.'
'So, what's your problem?'
'I don't have a problem,' the man replied. 'My wife does.'
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."
So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," declared the farmer, "Sheep lie, ya' know."
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, ?I?ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you?re finished.?
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, ?Golly, it worked!?
Puzzled, his mother asked, ?What do you mean??
Little Johnny replied, ?Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!?
There is a little town in the south has its festival because of its bumper crop of peas, and they celebrate by having a supper of nothing but peas.
At the head table there was a fairly large lady that was new to the town, and being a guest of sorts, she was sitting at the head table. She stood up with a pea on her knife and said, "This will be the first pea I have had in over 20 years."
Some half awake old man in the back jumped up and said, "Anyone that can't swim, grab a chair!"
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis.
Woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman'
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'
Viagra now available in powder to put in tea.
It does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.
Pitbull, do you troll adult sites and copy and paste jokes here, from there
or do you have the largest collection of pants jokes in the entire universe
Select to expand quotePugwash said..
Pitbull, do you troll adult sites and copy and paste jokes here, from there or do you have the largest collection of pants jokes in the entire universe
Yes. I need a little something to lighten up the day and I like to share the moment with others. Please enjoy.
More a pick up line than a joke for the oldies 
Sex is a sensation, caused by a temptation
When a man puts his destination into a womens location,
do you like that explanation or do you want a demonstration!
Select to expand quoteThe5MetreKid said..
More a pick up line than a joke for the oldies
Sex is a sensation, caused by a temptation
When a man puts his destination into a womens location,
do you like that explanation or do you want a demonstration!
If you miss out, it'll end up masterbation.
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
A man was sitting in a Government Office with a rather stony faced middle aged woman. He had just filled in another of those forms that probe into every aspect of your life that the Govt insist on.
As the woman scrolled through the form, she turned to the man and said:
Woman: I see here that you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3, sometimes more on the weekend.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 a piece
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
...correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: I noticed in the assets section, you own a 2008 Commodore that you are still paying off.
Man; Correct
Woman; If in 1 year you spend $5400 on beer, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000,
?..correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now paid cash for a Ferrari?
>>>>>> PAUSE???.
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: So Where have you parked your F****ng Ferrari?
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?" I used the Julia Gillard method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.
A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife.
He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn?t able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100% successful. He says, ?Hire a big strong black man to stands near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm.?
The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain.
He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places. ?Why don?t you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed,? says the friend.
He agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again and this time they trade positions. Naturally, the woman has a divine orgasm.
The husband leans over to the black guy and says, ?You see!! That?s how you wave the towel!?
These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?" The second guy speaking
very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter
any more." The answer comes,
" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..****..o..r..
a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f
I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again
about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d
I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
An Irishmen living in Sydney wanted to become a Priest. So he went to see George Pell.
George was quite impressed with Shamus but said
"Before I can recommend you for theological instruction, you must answer for me, 3 simple questions on the Bible".
Shamus; "To be sure Cardinal, I can be doing that".
George; "Tell me Shamus who was born in a stable"?
Shamus; "To be sure, dat ud be Black Caviar".
George; "Not quite what I had in mind but tell me what do you think of Damascus ?"
Shamus; "I'm beleivin it's hospital strength and dat it kills 99% of all household germs"
George; "I believe that would be Domestos Shamus. Anyway last question, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
Shamus; "Dat's un easy one Cardinal. That ud be when Popeye kicked the bluddy C**p out of em!!"
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English???.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You wi ll not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
