Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."
The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
As we approach the BBQ season it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the barbie - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE BARBIE.
More routine...
5. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE BARBIE AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things:
First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these three words: "Aisle, alter hymn... Aisle, alter hymn..."
Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.
Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."
"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.
The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."
"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.
"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."
A group of women were teeing off on the first hole while the next group of 4 men waited patiently for their turn.
One of the women took a big swing and flopped the ball out about 6 yards off the tee box. Embarrassed, and looking back at the guys
waiting, she says " I knew those f@%king lessons wouldn't work!"
One of men replies "Yeah,why don't you try golf lessons next time?"
Call Centre Worker Dismissed!
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line." was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
A man has been undergoing medical treatment, and meets with his doctor to review some tests.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order.
Man: That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!
Doctor: No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working.
Man: I'll try anything...what about experimental treatments?
Doctor: There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid.
Man, (desperate): Maybe alternate medicine?
Doctor, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you insist...you can go to the spa up the road everyday and get a mud bath.
Man: Really? Will that help?
Doctor: No, but it will get you used to dirt.
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!?
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as farr
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue..
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"
A guy is having a drink in the pub and meets this girl. They start talking and find out that he likes to have the occasional bet on the horses, and she happens to work in the local betting shop. They get on really well, and she says that she might be able to give him some really good tips for the races as she worked, but from behind the counter she couldn't say them out loud in case someone else heard. They decided that she'd discreetly act out a charade, and the guy would guess the name of the horse from her charade.
The first week he goes in to the betting shop and walks up towards her at the counter. She sees him, points her hand and fires it like a pistol, then uses her two fingers to run across the desk. The guy takes a look through his form guide and eventually sees "Gun Runner" in race 5 at 10 to 1. He puts twenty bucks on it, and it wins! Bloody beauty!!
The second week he goes in. When she sees him, she carefully puts her hands palms together, makes a diving action, then points to the floor. The guy looks at the form guide and sees "Diver Down" in race 3 at twenty to one. This time he puts fifty bucks on it, and of course it manages to win! The guy is ecstatic and can't wait for next week's tip.
The third week he goes into the betting shop in an excited mood, keen to put a hundred on whatever tip the girl gives him. When she sees him come up to the counter, she discreetly spreads her legs, and rubs her hand there for a few seconds. The guy's face turns to despair, then he turns around and walks out the door without placing a bet. The girl is left bewildered.
A couple days later they meet again in the pub, and she confronts him -
"Hey, what was wrong with you the other day? 'Pat the pu*sy' came first in race 6, at fifty to one!"
Stunned, he replied "Awww nooooo! I thought you meant that the c**t's been scratched!"
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
"I do not have a headache"
"I do not have a headache"
"I do not have a headache"
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bath room , comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning, "Oh my!" she proclaims.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my wife"
"She's not my wife"
"She's not my wife"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
There once was a guy called Dean
Who invented a love machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
?One day we should get her for this,? said the first boy.
?I agree. We?ll grab her?? said the second.
?Yeah,? said the third. ?And then we?ll kick her in the nuts!?
Being a Heavy duty mechanic I just roared when I read this today. Those of you from this ilk will crack a smile as well I reckon.
An Australian fitter (Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident
> on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass
> band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a
> huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone
> wants to shake his hand.
>
> Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter
> himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
> Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've
> been waiting a long time for you."
>
> "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the fitter sheepishly
> looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a
> God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10
> commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember
> doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a
> fitter - the Royalty of all Trades??"
>
> "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the
> man's modesty.
>
> "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God
> himself wants to see you!"
>
> The fitter is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his
> mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at
> Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope
> that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy,
> but I only lived to be forty."
>
> "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your
> time sheets."
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it
took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came [b]round I was f****ing skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
[/b]
Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to
get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself
anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said, "Hell no, get away from me!" The bum turned to leave
and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.? When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yes sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'you?ve got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?? She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, how old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?
