A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: "Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. "Well," she said hesitantly, "it's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh, okay," said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom would like a word with you!"
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
At an Anzac Day function a man is doing good deeds, chatting to a WWII sailor over a beer or 6.
He wants to know what it's like being old, with many mates passed away.
The question he really wants answered is when do you give up on sex, so he asks the sailor, man to man, when was the last time he had a root.
The sailor replies without hesitation "That would have been between 1945 and 1955, I think"
The young 'un is gobsmacked "That's ages!" he exclaims.
And the sailor tells him "The missus didn't think so, so we did it again after a little rest.....about 20:10"
A Wisconsin farmer named Ole had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company, a Harley Westover Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thusly:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?”
Ole responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da… '
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road…. '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
Ole said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit my trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike showed up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock vud you say?'
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Two bananas are lying on a riverbank when a turd goes floating by.
The turd yells to the bananas, "hey guys, come on in, the water feels great!"
One banana looks at the other banana and says, "do you believe that s**t?"
A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Did you hear about that new movie called "Constipation"?
No? That's because it hasn't come out yet...
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench.
A man comes up and exposes himself to them.
Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.
Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, “I take the next turn, right?”
“No way, get your own.This one's all mine.” said the groom.
A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
Man says: "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area". Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog???"
Patient: 'I feel terribly under the weather.'
Doctor: 'Tell me about your diet.'
Patient: 'Well. Doctor, I'm very fond of snooker balls. First thing in the morning I have a couple of yellows and a black. For lunch I have a few reds and a couple of pinks. Then in the evening I might have some browns and a few more reds.'
Doctor: 'I know what the trouble is,' said the doctor. 'You're not eating enough greens.'
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi."
In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks shag sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
I pulled up at a red light in my car yesterday listening to the radio behind a government vehicle containing Julia Gillard and some front bench ministers.
From across the road a truck veers to the right slamming straight into their car head on killing all four politicians.
Stunned I sat there and thought holy **** that could have been me.
I am going for my truck licence tomorrow.
When the doctor declared that his wife was pregnant, Mike protested 'It's impossible for my wife to be pregnant. I've been working in Dubai for the past year - I haven't been back home in all that time.'
'I'm sorry,' said the doctor, 'but that's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy.'
'What's that?'
'I'm afraid that someone had it in for you.'
What is the difference between peanut butter and an elephant?
An elephant doesn't stick to the root of your mouth.
What do call a French Man wearing Sandals?
Phileepe Flop...
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river..
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago"
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes" said the elephant,"turtle recall".
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
A Sydney University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's bum.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard "We are the Manly boys, We had a win today, We are the boys.........." come out of the guy's butt.
Shaken, he quickly shoved the cork back into its original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the Manly Club song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song at Brookevale!"
A successful businessman flew to Melbourne for the weekend to gamble at the Crown. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but some change and his return ticket home. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be right.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have the bloody fare mate, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to the Crown and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''about $45,'' came the reply.
''And how much for a bit of fun in the back seat on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''about $40 to $50 bucks mate.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman leans out the window, give a big smile and thumbs up sign and yells "yeehah" to each of the other drivers as they pass.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.
Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Terrorists have stooped to a new level of depravity. Yesterday they raided the Sydney Law Courts and took a group of lawyers hostage.
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and stated that if their demands are not met, they will systematically release one lawyer at a time until they are..........the Bastards.
Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. 
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says.................................................. 
An airline pilot wrote... that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
When I came back from work yesterday my wife informed me that the cat had eaten my dinner.
"No worries" I replied " We can always buy another cat".
A man walked up to a farmer?s house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer?s wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, ?Get the hell away!?
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.
The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, ?Yes!?
The man replied, ?Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!?
A guy was standing glumly at the bar.
"What's up?" asked his friend.
"My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our love lives."
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Well, unfortunately 'Guess who I shagged last night?' didn't go down too well."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ?When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.?
So next Sunday he took the monsignor?s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don?t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the ** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don?t say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the ?Big T.?
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ?take this and eat it for it is my body.? He did not say ? Eat me? .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called ? Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter?s not a Peter pulling contest at St Taffy's
A Dog joke
A little girl asked her Mum ,
Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."
What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
for a walk around the block? I asked Mum , but she said the dog was
on heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's
backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now,
but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash.
Surprised,
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!)
The little girl said,
"She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog
is pushing her home."
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN !!!
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second responds: 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is color-coded.
The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like mechanics... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine . Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
For Golfers who have caddies.
# 10 Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy "Eventually."
# 6 Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 Golfer "How do you like my game?"
Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota
which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it
under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles..
Since the cold weather arrived all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any colder, I may have to let her in.
Just had my water bill arrive in the mail, a jump of $175 on the last one. That's a lot. ?AusAid? can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy................
......................Nothing.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, ?f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!?
Little Billy is in the lounge room watching tele.
He comes into the kitchen and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
He just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
After he?s finished Dad says, 'So, what was it you were you watching on tele?'
'Wimbledon' replies Billy.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every f@#king one of them.
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she?s actually moving during sex?
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my c0ck.
I went to the doctor?s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, ?Don't worry, I am a professional ? I've seen it all before. Just tell me what?s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, ?My wife thinks that my d!ck tastes like asparagus?
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic b!tch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend??
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, ?Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!?
His wife asks him, ?What are you watching??
Husband replies, ?Our bl00dy wedding video?
Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It?s women that make it hard
I said to the wife, ?Get me a newspaper?
?Don't be silly,? she said ?You can borrow my iPad?
That spider never knew what f@#king hit it.
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that she tends to get sleepy and it makes her a$$ sore.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
