My wifes family were visiting so we decided to all go out to a fancy restaraunt.
After a few drinks we were waiting for the entres when I found myself busting to fart.
The music was up fairly loud so I thought I would hide my gas by doing it in time with the beat.
I waited for an especially loud bit then ripped it out as hard as I could.
When the song stopped I noticed that everyone was still staring at me.
Thats when I realized I still had my i-pod on......
Man's best friend, Wife or Dog?
To find out lock them both in the boot of the car overnight and see who wags their tail when you let them out in the morning.
A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up both Telstra floats.
Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard."How am I doing so far?"
The 11th Husband...
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a
Product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
A man is sitting on the verandah with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It's me..........talking to the beer.”
Frozen Skunk
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when
the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she
got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to ddeath.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'OK, Get in the car with it.'
The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?' said the wife.
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat
him with died at the scene.
A Rabbit goes into a Butchers shop and ask's for a lettuce
The Butcher Say's, we don't have lettuce this is a butcher's shop not a Greengrocer's, try somewhere else
A few day's later the Rabbit walks into the shop again and ask's for a lettuce
The Butcher said, I've told you before, this is a butcher's not a Greengrocer's, now go away and if you come back I will nail your ear's to that chopping block
A week later the Rabbit again enters the shop and say's to the Butcher, A bag of nails please
The Butcher said, We don't have nails
The Rabbit said, I'll have a lettuce then.
A naked man looks in the mirror and says to the missus" why do i get a hard-on when i look at myself"
His wife says "that's because even your c*ck thinks you are a C%nt !!
A blonde was driving her car about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man asked her, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be taken to the San Diego
Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your
trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these
chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.”
“Wow!…That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own ****ing blanket.”
After a moment of silence,… he farted.
The other day, i woke up and walked into the kitchen to find my wife laying face down on the floor. She had slipped in a puddle of water, and i ran over to check her pulse. She was dead. I was in a state of shock and didn't know what to do....................................
Then i remembered Maaca's do all day breakfast.
Excellent display of indisputable Texas pride and commitment.
I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
What is the difference between a SNAG and a CHOP?
SNAG:- Sensitive New Age Guy.
CHOP:- Chauvinistic Homophobic Obstropolous Prick.
About a six pack.
When I told everyone I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed.....now I am one they're not laughing anymore. 
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since youve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'
The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, plus all his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Wheres my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
you're entitled to
sweet f*** all, just like the rest of us.
q:Whats stationary black and hangs at the top of the stair case.
a:steady eddie after a house fire!
Julia GILLARD has announced she intends to make it more difficult to claim welfare benefits.
From next Monday all the Centrelink forms will be printed in English.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta , Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta , on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside, on the sidewalk, were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene, Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.
The subject was also transported to the local hospital with: two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw. Injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Now that was a well written Police report.
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter.
'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'
(Aawww sorry Julia. But you did say there would be no carbon tax under your government. )
Then there's the one about the Englishman, the Scotsman and the Irishman who sadly are each convicted of treason and sentenced to 20 years solitary confinement.
Each one was allowed to take one thing in with them, as food, sanitation and water were to be supplied automatically.
The Englishman took a georgeous nymphomaniac blonde with him.
The Scotsman took a 1 thousand litre barrel of 50 year old scotch with him.
The Irishman took two thousand cigars and cigarettes with him.
At the end of his sentence they opened the Englishmans cell door and out he walked with the blonde and 13 sons and 13 daughters.
At he end of his sentence they opened the Scotsmans cell door and out he staggered filthy with a huge beard and mo with a glazed expression on his face.
At the end of his sentences they opened the Irishmans cell door he came rushing out with a cigarette cluched desperately between his fingers saying,
"Have you got a light?"
[}:)]
Then there was poor b-b-bill who had a rather b-b-bad st-st-stutter.
B-b-bill wants to have g-g-gainful employment and g-g-goes to an employment office d-d-desperately looking for w-w-work, any k-k-kind of w-w-work.
So he is s-s-sent to r-r-report to a building s-s-site as a b-b-brickies offsider.
On arriving at the w-w-worksite the foreman introduces him t-t-to the b-b-brickie who sh-sh-shows him what t-t-o do and takes him up t-t-to the 6th f-f-floor.
B-b-bill is qu-qu-quite excited to finally have a r-r-real j-j-job.
The br-br-brickie p-p-points out to b-b-bill a man enering the w-w-worksite dressed in a s-s-suit, obviously s-s-some one v-v-very imp-p-portant and says to b-b-bill Watch this.
As the 'suit' walks close to the scaffolding under where they are working, the brickiedrops a brick yelling at the top of his lungs "FALLING BRICK!" alerting the 'suit' who looks up in time to see and avoid the falling brick which crashes to the groud narrowly missing him.
The 'suit' then climbs up to where the brickie is working, thanks him for saving his life and gives him $500 as reward for alerting him to the falling brick.
Next day a similar incident occurs resulting in the brickie being paid handsomely for alerting suited individual of the brick he has deliberately dropped.
Two days later another suited individual arrives on site and the brickie asks b-b-bill if he wants to have a go and b-b-bill does so.
B-b-bill waits until the 'suit' nears the scaffolding where he and the brickie are waiting and b-b-bill drops the brick yelling excitedly at the top of his lungs,
"Fa
fa
fa
fa
fa
fa
f**K I killed him!"
They sent my Census form back!! In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?'
I put, 'Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable bastards, the cast of "Who Wants to be a Millonare", some punk rock band, every aboriginal tribe in Australia and half of the ***** middle east!'
...apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.
