Statistics show 1 in 20 of us live next door to a peadophile
.... not me though, I live next door to two stunning 12 year olds
Pat and Mick get a job on a building site and their first job is to fix fascia boards to the front of houses.
While they are working Pat notices Mick pulling nails out of his nail pouch looking at them, throwing some away and using the others.
After about Half Hour Pat shouts to Mick "What are you doing".
Mick said, "Inspecting the nails. If the heads are facing me I know the nails are alright, but if I pull out a nail and the point is facing me, I know the nail is defect and I throw it away".
Pat shouts back, "You bloody idiot, If the point of the nail is facing you it's not a defect it's for the back of the house".
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you
make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want
after all you're the boss".
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not
just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right,
you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether
"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.. Bruce came running in.
'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce.
'What's that'?'
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'...!!
Franchise opportunity
A friend of mine just started his own business.
He manufactures landmines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
What file do you use to make a hole this big * into a hole this big O ?
A peadophile of course.
This Is Alarming
Beer Contains Female Hormones ! Yes, That's Right, FEMALE Hormones !!!!!!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense..
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No Further Testing Was Considered Necessary !!
This geezer is sitting reading his Sun newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies. "Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied at this and apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, what the hell was that for?"
"Your ****ing horse phoned!"
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Shoite,
Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Eskimo having trouble with his snowmobile puts it in to a mechanic for a service. Returning to pick up the snowmobile the mechanic says to the Eskimo. Looks like you've blown a seal, at which the Eskimo replies No I swear I was eating ice-cream.
Referring to Prince William's bucks party:
"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every note has a photo of your Grandmother printed on it."
On holiday in India recently I saw a sign that said 'English speaking taxi driver'. I thought, what a great idea, why don't we have them in our country!
A husband and wife are driving along the Motorway doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster and faster, now he's up to 80mph.
She says, "I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
"I've got the airbag."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night club.
The bouncer said:
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai”.
A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Mrs. Graber says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Mrs. Graber asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Mrs. Graber: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Mrs. Graber: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Mrs. Graber: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Mrs. Graber: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Mrs. Graber: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and
excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A real woman is a man's best friend..
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels that he's the most powerful man in the room and will enable him to be confident, smart, seductive, and invincible.
No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of beer.
It's beer that does all that.
Sorry.
