Two Aussies, Marty and Digs, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Marty stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Marty blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Carlton Draft!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Digs looked disgustedly at Marty whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Digs said, "Nice going Marty! Now we're going to have to p1ss in the boat."
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that s. of a b. before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas
A&M University has invented a bra that keeps
women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up
and down, and prevents the nipples from
pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.
After announcing the invention at a news conference,
a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside
and kicked the **** out of him.
Does Wisdom Pay?
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't f@@kin' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . .
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
Priest - "I Will Not Lie"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they
got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Safe Olympic personal
I said to the wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived from E-Bay and .... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for
The first time. The first lady said, "I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties."
"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, "Dat's right, girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo DA black box first."
.There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a
grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked.
Her bad-tempered old husband is notorious for racist comments, and is surely an alcoholic. Her elderly mother was definitely always drunk
before she dropped off the perch!
All her kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay - he probably is, so the marriage is probably just a sham.
An Arab shopkeeper blamed her for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, who used to be married to her lay about useless eldest son, but nothing has ever been proved.
Her two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out
partying in nightclubs, and one of them appears to have Neo-Nazi
tendencies! It is not even known if they even have the same father.
The whole family is clearly out of control.
I hate living near Windsor Castle...!
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.
By the time the Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant—an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
A Rabbit goes into a Butchers shop and ask's for a lettuce
The Butcher Say's, we don't have lettuce this is a butcher's shop not a Greengrocer's, try somewhere else
A few day's later the Rabbit walks into the shop again and ask's for a lettuce
The Butcher said, I've told you before, this is a butcher's not a Greengrocer's, now go away and if you come back I will nail your ear's to that chopping block
A week later the Rabbit again enters the shop and say's to the Butcher, A bag of nails please
The Butcher said, We don't have nails
The Rabbit said, I'll have a lettuce then.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls.'
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked:
'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
This fellah walks in a pub, Looks around, Spots a few people sat at a table, walks up to the bar and say's, Landlord I'll have a double whisky, give those people whatever they want, and a drink for yourself
The Landlord say's, thank you very much sir I'll have a whisky with you
About ten minutes passes and the fellah say's, Same again landlord, Double whisky for me whatever those people want and one for yourself
Again the landlord draws the drinks and thanks him
This happens about four times. And the landlord thinks, I'd better tell him owe much he owe's. So the landlord say's to the fellah, Your bill stands at £32.50p at the moment sir
The fellah say's, Oh! I've got no money
The landlord just flips his lid. Grabs the fellah by the scruff of his neck and the arse of his pants. Slings him through the door and boots him
A week later the fellah walks in the pub again, Looks round, walks to the bar and say's to the landlord, A double whisky for me, get whatever drinks those people over there want. I'm not getting you one because you get nasty when you've had drink.
Going for page 20 get past EvlPanda crap on this one... (Part1)
Little kicker
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
A Rare Occurrence
There was a knock on the door this morning,
I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down."
"Now what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before"
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The Facecloth!!
This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive
Today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one
morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had
been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The
trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
area to make sure I was at least presentable.. I threw the facecloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.
After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter saved inside it.'
NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!
give me page 20!!!
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"
Page 20 !!! ahh I will start repeating things...
Who Put The Dog Out ....
A couple was going out for the evening.
They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.
However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.
They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!
She better not **** in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
A guy is sitting in a bar getting more and more drunk when he spots a gorgeous woman sitting at the other end, all by herself.
He orders another double serving of "liquid courage," and makes his move:
He quietly slips behind the woman of his lust, and suddenly reaches around and gropes her breasts and crotch, and starts kissing her neck.
Naturally, the woman jumps up, turns around and slaps the hell out of him.
"I'm sorry!" he says, and being a well experienced drinker, he smoothly explains, "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable idiot!" she screamed. "I am your wife!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, too, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
But a week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not!" the witch (as Jennifer had come to call the girl who was not even quite as old as she was) said. "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I will be wearing it to your wedding."
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Nevermind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
"Of course I do, dear," her mother replied, smiling. "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
Paddy turns up at work one morning, sits on a pile of bricks and starts crying his eye's out.
The boss says "hell Paddy what's up!"
Paddy said "I had a phone call this morning telling me my mother has died".
The boss said "Look Paddy take the day off. Infact take as long as you want off, relax and rest".
Paddy said "No boss, I would rather stay at work. I need to keep my mind off it and the best place to do that is here".
The boss said "O.K Paddy if that's the way you feel. If you need anything just let me know".
Just after Dinner the boss spots Paddy Heart Broken. He rushes over to him and said "Paddy are you going to be alright".
Paddy said "What a day boss. My brothers just phoned and told me his mothers died as well!".
A beautiful young woman goes to the Doctor's and say's. Doctor will you examine me I think there is something wrong with me
The Doctor say's. Undress and jump on the couch. The woman did what he asked. Then the Doctor starts rubbing his hand up and down her thigh, and he say's. Do you know what I'm doing
The woman say's. Yes you are checking my legs for skin defects
The Doctor say's. Yes that's right. Then he starts to fondle her breast's and say's. Do you know what I'm doing now
The woman say's. Yes you are checking my breast's for cancerous lumps
The Doctor say's. That's right again. Then he drop's his pants and mounts her and say's. Now what am I doing
The woman say's. Catching Syphilis, that's what I came in about.
This kid who's a bit backward is walking down this road when he comes across some welder's gloves, so he picks them up and puts them on
A bit further up the road he see's these welder's goggles, so he picks them up and puts them on
A bit further up the road, this pervert pulls up in a car and encourages the kid to get in his car
The Lad's sat there in the car with these welder's gloves on and these welder's goggles
The pervert say's to the kid, Do you know anything about Cocks
The kid say's, No
So the pervert say's, Do you know anything about sucking knobs
The kid say's, No
Then the pervert say's Well do you know anything about Wanking
The kid say's, I'm not really a welder you know.
This Fellah walks into a pub and say's to the landlord, A treble whisky please
The landlord gives him the whisky and he knocks it straight back
The landlord say's, You look pissed off, is there anything wrong
The fellah say's, I've just found my rooting my best friend
The landlord say's, Hell! that's bad news, here have another whisky. What did you say to your wife
The fellah say's, I looked her straight in the face and told her to pack her bags and get out
The landlord said, I think you did the right thing telling her that. What did you say to your best friend
The fellah say's, I looked him straight in the face and said. YOUR A BAD DOG!
