What do you call an Irish woman with one leg?
Ielene.
What do you call an Irish woman with no legs?
Noeline.
What do you call a swimmer with no legs or arms?
Bob.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
No eyes or legs?
Still no eye deer.
No eyes, no legs or penis?
Still no fornicating eye deer.
Whats the difference between Light and Hard ???
You can go to bed with the Light ON !!!
Subject: The Lecture
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body” The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
Three students talk about past New Year's celebration.
-Hi I have been to Bahamas- first said- What a charm, beach, girls, free drinks
-I have been skiing in Alps-the second said- Ah, what the snow! girls, drinks !
Where have you been?
The third one: Hello guys, I was all night in the same room with you all, but I didn't smoke that sh**t
It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.
It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster time goes and thus the faster you move.
After about 10 beers (or 15 double bourbon & coke or gin, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.
Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two
hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he then goes: "WTF??!!?? - why is it so quiet?? Holy sh!t!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!
I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travellers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.
Two Alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger tne and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big gator, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a politician there's
nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
I was sitting on the bus recently with a friend and he told me the following joke:-
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?"
"Throw in the washing."
Then there was the tap on the shoulder ...The man behind us said "I heard that. You should be ashamed of yourselves. That's disgusting. My son died in the bath while having a fit"
We both went pale and apologised to him for our sick sense of humour.
The guy went to get off the bus, leaned over and said "He choked on a sock".
THREE OLDER LADIES
Tillie - Maude - Gertrude
These three old ladies and their dogs
were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation 
when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them
and opened his trench coat. 
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. 
Then
Maude also had a stroke.
But
Tillie,
being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far 
A bloke walks into a brothel and says “I’m a bit kinky. How much for total humiliation?”
The madame replies “$60”.
“Wow. What do I get for that?” he says.
She replies: “A baggy green cap and an Australian cricket shirt”
Warning - online sales scam
Thought I'd better warn you.
I Just got scammed out of $25.
I bought a Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes."
Turns out it's about golf !
Absolute waste of money.
Speaking of scam, I recently became a victim of a clever new scam while shopping at my local shopping centre. I thought I should warn people about it.
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to the car as I was packing the shopping into the boot. They start cleaning the windscreen. Their large firm young breasts almost fell out of their skimpy T-shirts. It was impossible not to look. When they finished I offered them a tip but they said "NO" an instead asked for a lift to the Woolworths up the road a stretch.
They got into the backseat and on the way started undressing. Soon they were both completely naked! I pulled over to remonstrate and one of them climbed over into the front seat and started crawling all over my lap, kissing me, touching me intimately and thrusting herself against me.
Unbeknown to me, the other one was busy stealing my wallet. [}:)]
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely it will happen again this coming weekend.
Be warned!
In latest news, qld house prices have sky rocketed!! With everyone claiming they have river views
then Portsmouth coach Avral Grant photographed coming out
of a massage parlour,
Police: Did you pay for sex in that massage parlour?
Grant: Nope. Just a massage. My back was a little sore.
Police: We think you did.
Grant: Prove it.
(((((((((((((((((((( ATTORNEYS )))))))))))))))))))
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said
in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it
until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians
in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation
is so screwed up.
Ch 9 reporting is a joke...
Ch 9's excellent coverage this morning, exact quote
"The water is only due to subside 100mil in the next 12 hours, to give you
some perspective a can of coke is 375mil"
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, And when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners. 
Guy rings up his mate and says " Come over for a swim and a barby this arvo."
Mate says "What are you talking about? You haven't got a pool."
Guy says "Nah but I live in Queensland."
(From my 13 yo son today.)
Subject: WHEN LOVE FADES
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you my dear, I'll have chicken."
She replied, "You're having soup, a$$hole, I was talking to the cat!"
^ classic richie : )
Before you read this: Please don't judge me... I'm just sharing my story because it's "funny" to some people...
Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I'm sleep deprived so i guess I'll just write it now and regret it in the morning :/
First of all, - just for some background: My mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's ****ed up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up. Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so ****ing beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy **** went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home. My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to **** her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time. My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them.
It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was ****ed up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips. Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way.
It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever ****ing seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?
__________________
