A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot:
"So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap...then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a **** first."
The version I heard in the 60's goes like this:
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. He turns around to the co pilot and says " You know what I could do with now? A hot cup of coffee and a good F**ck!
The hostess rushes toward the cabin when a little old man calls after her "Don't forget the coffee!"
Both good!
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman
I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for
drunk driving.
Officer: I see.. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk..
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Loving Wife
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of
Her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
And hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
Complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.' 
DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS
A young boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, So you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I?"
Some young men on holiday in south east asia go to the red light district one night. Afterwards the young man says that was the best BJ I ever had. The next night they go again and ask another working girl for a BJ. She replies we don't do that here, only the ladyboys do BJs.
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite
pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid,
all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to
you?" he was asked.
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister quite a few times ...."
Page 20 ahh!! Thx Japie, GD et al
Irish accent on replies...
Murphy mate why have U got a bucket of water in your cab?
"Well (2bsure *2[}:)]) to dip me lites"
-------------
Oii Paddy wake up your lazy bugger - W'was all wondering what U R doing on the roof of the pub"
"Well (2bsure*2) I was told de drinks were on the house -- butttt...."
------------
I think I need to scratch some grey cells and find a good one..those are lame 
(and there is more)
And now for the images thread to get rid of the page with that crapper - gross 
(that's if it is still there).
AP
This or a variation has likely been done - but thread too big to check
Smart Arse
Two businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only two left."
Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!! they maybe old but they are not stupid.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory - effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled."
A woman goes to the doctor and says "Doctor my husband always wants anal sex and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not.
The Doctor said "Does it hurt you". She said "No".
The Doctor said "Do you enjoy it". She said "Yes it was alright".
The Doctor said "Then there's no reason why you shouldn't practice anal sex. Just be careful you don't get pregnant".
The woman said "Can you get pregnant from anal sex".
The Doctor replied "OF COURSE. Where do you think LAWYER'S and POLITICIANS come from".
This teenage boy is walking home from school one day when a car pulls up at the side of him. The driver says to him. “Jump in I'll give you a lift”
The boy ignores him and carry's on walking. A little further up the road the car again pulls at the side of him and the driver said. ”Look jump in and I'll give you £10.
The boy told him to piss off, and carried on walking. Still further up the road the car again pulls at the side of him, and the driver said. “Get in and I'll give you £20 and that's my final offer.
The boy walked over to the driver's window and said. “Look, you bought the ****ing Skoda dad, and you have to live with it.”
Older and wealthy with it ?
Gosh, I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Rare Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood.
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd
accumulate such wealth.
Classic's!!!!
Just to brush up on you Ozzie 'Cultcha'!
You know you're Australian if ....
* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.
* You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
* You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
* You're amused whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.
* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
* You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.
* You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass pineapples, bananas, prawns and sheep.
* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.
* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
* You wear ugh boots outside the house.
* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.
* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
* You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
* You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.
* You're entirely understanding of the following phrases.........................
Chuck a YOUIE
Put your cozzies on and go for a dip
Watch out for the Joe Blakes, and the Noah's Arks
* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like ****. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you
REALLY mean it.
* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.
* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You've drank your tea/coffee/Milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
* You've ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.
* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
* And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
One for Doggie.
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk says, "Tits".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewellery to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house".
Well she didn't actually put it like that. She said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear,'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too,'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A building contractor wants some quotes to build 2 flats...
The Irishman builder quotes £500,000....
"How did arrive at that figure?" asked the contractor....
" £200,000 labour, and £300,000 for materials.
The Scotish builder quotes £600,000...
£300,000 labour and £300,000 for materials.
The Jewsh builder quotes £1 millon....
The contractor sais "how did arrive at that figure?"
"Easy" sais the Jewish builder " £250,000 for you, £250,000 for me.... and we will get the Irishman to do the job
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.
The teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community
service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Parliamentarian came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Parlimentarian was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Parliamentarians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!
Another One for Doggie.
The Journey of Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
BEE STING
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your feet are too far apart.'
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam and if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy!
---------------------
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and, presto, he solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T…error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T…error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T… error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
^^^^^ yep. That's pretty funny. Really, really rich guys. Getting to do whatever they want, whenever they want. Never had to have a real job in their entire lives. Spending their time doing something creative. Surfing and riding motorbikes and driving hotrods and breeding thoroughbred horses in their spare time. Very funny.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.
THE END.
The truth about when
> Elton John and David Furnish first saw their baby.
>
>
> What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.
>
> They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother
> artificially inseminated with it.
>
> When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital.
>
> They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots,
>
> eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby
> was smiling serenely.
>
> A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
>
> "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies
> ..... and yet our baby is so happy.
>
> This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
>
> The nurse said,
> "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
> when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
>
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
A surfer was in big trouble when he forgot
his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him; "Tomorrow there better
be something in the driveway for me that goes
zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package
in the driveway. She opened it and found a
brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been
set for Saturday at his favorite beach.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gives it to her.
