An 66-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, 'John, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
John replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, ****! The light goes on. When I'm done, ****! the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls John's wife Amelia, 'John is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and ****! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, ****! the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Amelia exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!'
An old, blind Sailor called Petals wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels..
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Sailor, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Sailor. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Sailor thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'Naw...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Finally a Good blonde Joke !
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?
A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.
TWO BLONDE GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.
THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLONDE GENIES DISAPPEAR.
THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE MANSION , SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS HOUSE.
SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.
THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.
AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE TWO BLONDE GENIES.
ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.
I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.
BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.'
Something to offend almost everyone...
· The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.
· A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."
· There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.
· A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
· My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
· I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"
· Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
· A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
· I got banned from an Islamic clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!
· Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
The First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish..........
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren't you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain't” said the man.
“Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don't doubt it for a minute” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied,
“Been married to your sister for 48 years”.
What's the similarity between boobs and train sets?
Both made for kids but Dad wants to play with them too......
Me roflm...
One darknight in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started
inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in
flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, thepresident shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringavolunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passedthefire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.. It's only $2,000 Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 980,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
Golf and Whisky......
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad died?'
The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
...............................................................................................................
Are you from Ireland ?
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ......'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course..'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
The judge asks the little girl:
"Now that your parents are getting divorced, do you want to live with your mummy?"
Little girl: "No. My mummy beats me."
Judge: "Well then I guess you want to live with your daddy?"
Little girl: "No. My daddy beats me too."
Judge: "Well who do you want to live with?"
Little girl: "I want to live with the Australian Cricket Team. They don't beat anybody."
"Bollinger opened, Johnson out, Hussey bowled over. Not a cricket report, Shane Warne's diary entry for last Wednesday."
The Kiwis are drinking their coffee and tea from saucers these days. There are no cups left over there.
COPPER WIRE
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f--k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.
The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
>"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
>trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
>the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
>homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
>treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a
>cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he
>explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd
>had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again,
>so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might
>attract him."
>
>At a hushed press conference, a hospital pokesman described what
>happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
>gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and
>severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
>whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
>intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
>
>Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the >impact
>of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
>burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Dr. Cygne's Vasectomy Q and A
Vasectomy is a safe and simple procedure. We understand that many men have understandable apprehension and we have collected a sampling of our Most Frequently Asked Questions along with our replies. We here at Cygne and Associates wish to make your vasectomy experience memorable.
1. Should I "shave" before I come in?
Definitely. With a sharp razor, warm water and antibacterial soap, shave the entire chest, arms, abdomen, pubic escutcheon, inguinal area, any genital or scrotal hair and the legs down to the ankles. This will make pantyhose and leotards easier to slip into. Many men find they develop a desire for "soft silky undergarments" nest to their skin after a vasectomy. this is normal.
2. Will there be women present?
No. All females (such as the class and staff of the Clinic Nursing School) will be behind a one way mirror. The nurse assisting your physician is a large male nurse named Bruno. He is quite capable of handling vasectomy patients and keeping them occupied and distraced during the procedure.
3. What will you do with the tissue that will be removed? Will it be used in anything experimental as is common with fetal tissue?
All tissue becomes the property of Cygne and Associates and is consumed on the premises. Fava beans and a light Chianti are optional.
4. Is it possible to just clip one of my testegettis during this procedure and come back next week to complete the operation after I see how I feel?
The proper term for 'testegettis' is vas deferens. While it is possible to do one side and wait, the patient usually does not wish to undergo the tranquilizer-darting, leather restraints and pre-vasectomy examination by Bruno more than once. Often the patients do not return and must be hunted down, roped and vasectomized in the field (an unsanitary procedure at best) resulting in considerable loss of reputation with the patient's neighbors.
5.Will this in any way adversely effect my ability to use an English saddle (without pommel) with my horseback classes?
You may still use such a saddle with no difficulty. However, many post vasectomy patients find it more 'stimulating' to use a Western saddle with large pommel and Vaseline, K-Y or another lubricant. You may also wish to switch mounts for a stallion if you ride frequently.
6.Will the procedure affect the appearance or elasticity of my scrotum (Iunderstand it may cause "drop ball" syndrome)?
"Ball drop" or Testicular Prolapse can occur. it is managed easily by simply watching where you step whe you are not wearing a support. If you DO experience pain or discomfort in the operated area, look under your feet. One patient of Dr. schnitt who possessed quite large testes is now gainfully employed each New year's Eve in New York. He has turned his "ball drop" into an asset to be proud of!
7. Following my procedure, is there any danger in wearing zippered trousers?
None at all. However, note that had you been less cautious with zippers all your life, you would not, now, need to pay so much for a vasectomy, a procedure that many zippers can perform swiftly and for free.
8. Following the procedure, does the possibility exist that my testicle(s) may float away and lodge in one of my lower extremities (like an ankle)?
What makes you think we plan to leave the testicles remaining in the scrotum? As we stated above, all tissue becomes the property of Cygne and Associates.
9.Will the procedure affect the tenor of my voice?
Not appreciably. It will, however, affect your pronunciation, causing you to pronounce sibilants as 'th' sounds. This and wrist drop are two of the side effects possible.
10. Will people "know" I have had the operation?
Not at all. therefor, we have taken the liberty of saving you the trouble and, upon receipt of your appointment confirmation for this procedure, we have notified your neighbors, employer and the police department of your new status.
11. Is the procedure video taped, and do I have to pay for a copy?
Payment is not necessary. You will, however, be paid royalties following theatrical release, according to SAG/AFTRA scale guidelines.
12. Is there a possibility that this will cure involuntary ejaculation?
Oh yes. It will also prevent erection, urine retention and pimples. We advise you to acquire a reliable product such as Kimberly Clark's Depends Undergarments.
13. Are there any special ointments or salves that I can use post procedure? My wife used Vitamin E after her pregnancy.
No, but we do reccomend copious self administration of Yukon Jack or Everclear along with castor oil the evening before your procedure.
14. If the procedure is successful, does my wife have to stay on the pill?
Since consummation of your marriage will no longer become possible, yes. We don't trust your wife, EITHER.
15. I understand following the operation I will have to return and present semen samples. Should I obtain a sample from home, or wait until your office to assure freshness?
Nurse Bruno will take care of that procedure. You will receive royalties for that tape as well.
16. How long is my therapy, what does it entail, and is that covered with my insurance?
This is a matter best taken up with your psychiatrist and parole officer.
17. Can you recommend a cup or splint device to stabilize and provide a safe environment for the effected regions?
Actually, after the procedure, we recommend that you curl up on your side on the floor, hands between your legs, gripping the inguinal area as you writhe. this affords protection to the genital area without interfering with Bruno's postprocedure inspection.
18. Following the procedure, how will I know when I ejaculate?
You will see minor amounts (1-4 cups) of blood in your Depends at each attempted emission.
19. During my recovery, should my kids and dog "Bouncy" go and stay with relatives?
Definitely not. This is why your children are in therapy and the ASPCA is investigating you NOW. Your parole officer should have filled you in on these details.
20. Following the operation, is there a possibility that I will lose facial hair and/or grow breasts?
No. It is a certainty.
Making a Baby....
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we're married.'
"Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f-----g blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
I took my wife to an opticians this morning.
Even they couldn't see why I married her.
I woke up this morning at 8:00am and, I just knew something was wrong.
I got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing, I panicked, didn't know what to do.... ....then I
remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30.
Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today.
One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
The Police weren't too pleased.....I was only meant to be identifying the body.
I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be
coming into money.
Last night I shagged a girl called Penny! spooky or what?.
I must have really p!ssed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation
on her when we were having sex.
She's been giving me the silent treatment for a week now, just lying there.
The Police came to my door last night and showed me a picture of a woman and said "is this your wife?"
I replied "yes, but why?"
The Policeman said " looks like she' been in a car accident"
I replied "well yes, fair call, but she does have a nice personality"
I became confused when I heard the word "service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue Service
U.S. Postal Service
Telephone Service
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This is not what I thought "service" meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" his cows.
Now I understand why I usually feel like I just got "serviced" afterwards.....
What is white, sticky and is found in men's toilet cubicles?
George Michael's latest release
(OK, funnier when it was current and the young crew won't get it....)
