Top Joke

Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane leaving
from Sydney. She turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
Said to Gillard, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said Julia. 'How about global warming or health
care', and she smiles smugly.

OK, ' the girl said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a kangaroo all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

The PM, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming or health care when you don't know $h!t?'

Careful what you purchase on EBAY.....

Spent £50.00 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.

Today I was asked to go in a fun run to raise money

I said "no way, I can't run well, and I am busy"

Then they told me it is for retarded blind kids...... and I thought bugger me, I could win this thing!!

THE MEXICAN MAID




The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

(Rude bits warning)

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dawson Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.



'****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.



'Get the ****ing manager of this pigs **** middle class wank hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says



'Yes you can you fat piece of ****, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'



The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'



'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the ****s blind...'



'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'



'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.



'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the **** box you get crap on your bell end.'



'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'



'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".



'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'



'**** it' says the pianist 'Why not'.



On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.



Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.



She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'



'Know it' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,



'I ****ing wrote it !!!'

A grandad took his grandson out for a walk, and they called at a bookmakers. While they were in there, the grandson asked if he could put a bet on.

The grandad said to the boy. “Can you touch your arse with your dick”. The boy replied “no”. “Your not old enough to put a bet on then” said grandad.

While his grandad is studying the form, the boy goes in the shop next door and buys a scratch card. When he scratch's the card off he finds he has won £50,000. He goes and tells his grandad, who suggested they share the winnings, fifty-fifty.

The boy asked his grandad if he could touch his arse with his dick. “Of course I can” said grandad. “I'm a grown man”. “Well go and **** yourself” said the boy.

What does DNA stand for?


National Dyslexics Association.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....


6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policemans baton?


A magician's wand is used for cunning stunts.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.

I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

My Dog

Went down this morning to Centrelink to sign my Dog on.

The woman said "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.





He gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

The Importance of Walking & Exercise:

Walking and Exercise can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional five months in a nursing
home at $7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to do my walking early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about $400.
Haven't lost a kilo.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, doesn't he look good.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I got a lot of exercise over
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Every time I start thinking about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine..

What has 8 legs and a black twat?
The A team.

What is the mating call of the black birds?
Stick it in me Leroy.

What is the difference between a park bench and a nigger (white, black or even yellow )?
A park bench can support a family.



Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only on leg, on a bicycle with buckled wheels & no brakes or saddle. Send us a small donation of $ 2.00 and we'll send you the DVD it is f*****g hilarious.

Does that work with black sheep[}:)]