I caught a stray parrot on my porch this morning.
All he says is, "good morning you old ****!."
Is it yours?
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Run for cover - [}:)][}:)]
Or
Mood lighteners 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.
Can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection,
please don't get an erection ...
but she did.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I
had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually
a dating agency.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in
her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled
a few times too.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around
and talking behind my back.
He says “what do you expect, you're in a wheel chair.”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
AP
Still running 
Male Sensitivity
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes", answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
AP
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, ****wit, dickhead, Asian prick, wanker or a towel-head anywhere today!
The Deep Hole
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old engine block and roll it over into the hole. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
Fearing for their lives about being attacked by a raging goat, the two men dive out of its way just in time to see the goat plunge past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across a farmer working near it. The men put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the ferocious goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old engine block."
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
Last night at the pub my mate was taking the piss of me for getting a bit chubby, I said blame your wife..... Every time I f**k her she gives me a TimTam!
Explains why Saskatchewan has no Daylight Saving Time.........
A Wise Indian Elder once said:
When told the reason for daylight saving time the Indian Elder said, "Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket."
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God,Australia
they decided to send it to Julia Gillard.
Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 note.
She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 note and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Canberra and that red headed, fat arsed bitch took $95 in taxes.
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing Welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to Escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will
have to Satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull****tin' me!'
The social worker said, 'Yeah, well. You started it.'
From England!
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Just Fostered a Muslim.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk',in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester , Luton & London:
Because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
From Xmas Island!
What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel Azhim!
How Everything Was Decided
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”
The dog said, “That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said. “Entertain people. Do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year lifespan.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?” And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.”
The cow said, “That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other 40?” And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.”
But man said, “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
I saw a job advertised as a Pussy Waxer's Assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare pussy for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.
When I asked at the Job Centre they said I had to go to Cornwall .
I said, "Why, is that where the job is?"
"No,'' they said, ''That's where the back of the ****ing queue is!"
Last Tuesday Australian Foreign Minister Rudd got out of a Commonwealth car in front of Parliament House.
He was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Federal Police guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, Sir."
Rudd replied: "These are not just pigs. These are authentic Australian wild bush pigs. I got one for the Treasurer, Wayne Swann, and I got one for Prime Minister Gillard."
The squared-away Federal Police officer again snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Excellent trade, Sir. "
My Favourite Animal
Ou r teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the f#ck I am...???
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO."
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
The problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
Elton John has written the tribute song for Amy Wine house, Candle under the spoon.
Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jeremy Clarkson,
Jeremy Clarkson's still on top gear
An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr.Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a ****ing thing!"
