This is going to start a rally bad run!
How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, Teddy, go!
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
Q. What is the difference between a trailer load of sand and a trailer load of dead babies.
A. You can't pitch fork sand.
Q. What is the hardest thing about cooking vegetables.
A. Fitting the wheel chair in the pot.
Two Maori cuzzybro's are talking about religion.
"Hey" says one "what's a Hindu"
The other replies "it lays eggs bro..."
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied,"No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?' God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?' After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
'What's a headache?'
Public service message for women
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling RACQ is not an option... I WILL win.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed
and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do. So,
for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find things like exotic cheeses or tofu. For all
I know, they are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.... Though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports, or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
And, if you're feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly
remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too... either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it.
Everything looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2010, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden
with a beer in my hand, wondering what to do.
(This has been a public service message for women
to better understand men.)
They were wrong .....
"The horse is here to stay - the car is just nonsense, a fashion fad."
- The director of the Michigan Savings Bank to John Ford's manager in 1903
"I would think that there is a market (worldwide) for about five computers."
- IBM Director Thomas Watson in 1943
"You might as well plan a trip to the moon, as attempt to sail with the steamer across the Atlantic."
- Dionysius Lardner in 1838 (Irish astronomer, philosopher and professor)
"Rail travel at high speeds is simply not possible, because passengers would be unable to breathe and therefore die choking to death."
- Dionysius Lardner in 1835
"Everything that can be invented has been invented"
- The U.S. Patent Office Chief Charles Duell in 1899
"Future computer may not weigh more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics in 1949
"I have no political ambitions for myself or my children."
- Joseph P. Kennedy in 1936
"Castro doesn't last one year."
- Cuban President Fulgencio Batista in 1957
"We honestly believe that children will be more puzzled than enchanted by this stiff, overloaded story."
- Review of "Alice in Wonderland" in "Children's Book"
"Who will be bothered hearing actors talk?"
- Warner Brothers' founder Harry Warner in 1927
"It's not good enough, son,! - You'd better return to truck driving"
- Jim Denny, head of the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, to Elvis Presley in 1954
"We don't like their sound. Groups with guitars are on their way out."
- Decca Record Company, as they said no to the Beatles in 1962
"Reagan doesn't look like a president."
- Caster in film company United Artists in 1964
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths. The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede inside the box,"Would you like to go to church with me today? we will have a good time."
but there was no answer from his new pet...
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How bout going to church with me and receive some blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede`s house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I`m putting on my shoes!"
Timeline 1650's
The Lure: Gold and Treasure
Where - the edge of the map (Carribean)
Sailing through the cannibal island zone..
Your are reading Spanish(!!)
The storm had turned into a mini-hurricane - the ship was wrecked - the joke (shaggy) starts with the 2 survivors.
Jason and Isaac.
Jason wakes he has washed up on the beach a few metres away is Isaac the bowsun. he staggers up see's palms sand bits of wood
from the ship and no one else. He remembers 'Here be cannibals' on the map. He goes to Isaac and shakes him 'com'on -- com'on we
gota hide before em cannibals find us - com'on Isaac you piece of ...'
Too late - they are surrounded by natives - bones thru' the nose - grinning his plea's - don't eat us don't .. are drowned out - the pair
of them are hog tied onto poles and taken into the forest to the village.
They are dumped at the feet of the village elders...
To the side a large pot is simmering on the fire...
Jason and Isaac 'Please don't eat us -- we'll do anything.....'
The chief elder (beneficiary of the misson school before they ate the priests)
spoke to them in pidgin Spanish(!! woowoo wwoo wwoooo cooooee .... nah just kidding)..
'U Go into forest come back in one hour with 200 of one fruit... yaaaa GO'
The hunting group close in with sharp sticks so Isaac and Jason leg it into the forest...
Isaac cracks the test first and returns with 200 huge ripe grapes.
He staggers upto the Chief elder throws himself to the ground and offers the grapes.
The Chief elder nods to his council stands and says ...
'Stuff em up your ar.....se'
Isaac hesitates then frantically starts ramming them home!!!
149.. 150... 151 he is struggling the grapes are hard firm and huge.
The elders are all stomping and shouting ..... the village is really worked up...
152.. 153 he is straining 154.. as he bends down for the next bunch he spots
Jason staggering in from the forest ...
Isaac can't help himself he starts laughing and cracks a massive f...art
Time stood still..
Over half the village was demolished the cooking pot had been blasted upside down
the fire had gone out....
The chief elder picked himself up and roared ''WHY U F..ART"
Isaac beside himself with fear " I'm sorry - sorry did not want to but..
.
.
.
.
but I saw my mate coming in with 200 coconuts"
It is not happening on the inspiration front at the moment so larf on....
Man to wife on wedding night-"Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?' 'Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'
How do you teach a boy maths?
Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg evening meal what would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals .
Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the f*cking wall!""
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door With a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike!"
______________________________
An elderly lady called her phone company to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring,her dog always barked before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog and/or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone did ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them
__________________________________________________________________
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her husband said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
It is not happening on the inspiration front at the moment so larf on....
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the >>following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!
___________________________________
Inspection Teams....
Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!
How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things.
For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?
I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.
So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, & quote "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"
Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.
Inspectors my a**... You want the job done? Call my mother.
__________________________________
Princess
On the way to Phuket, the Qantas passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
____________________________________________
This is apparently from an actual trial in the UK:
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When
she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and
then on her third move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man
was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady
boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust
Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could
not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an
advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident.'
The case was dismissed.
______________________________________
Preventing a cold
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through Darlinghurst a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent the spread of disease. And you know.. I haven't had a cold all winter."
It is not happening on the inspiration front at the moment so larf on.... PART 2
An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel, that will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist.
"Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a f*cking towel, sonny!!!!
___________________________________
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
When you feel that nobody loves you, nobody cares for you and that everyone is ignoring you...........
You should ask yourself............
Am I too sexy????
____________________________________
Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goats milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."
"Here's my second son. He's a martyr too!"
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
___________________________________
Accrdoirng to a rscheeahcr at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit any porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
______________________________
An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized." "Yes, but I've already got the holes for that," says the old lady.
__________________________________
It is not happening on the inspiration front at the moment so larf on....
Gawd - not sure how all these ended up here but doing a rapid drain on my jokes bank to replace all the repeats of the original post ^^ up
So Larf on part 3...
_________________________________________________
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks.
At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: Smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon. "Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush"
_______________________________________
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, Some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.
________________________________
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven .... which part of your body goes first?"
Susie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands?" replied the teacher.
Susie replied, "...Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.
Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."
The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' "If Daddy hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her for sure !"
________________________________
Billy Connelly on "Things I hate about everybody...."
> 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
> where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my trousers > fly when I ask where the toilet is?
> 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room > for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the > channel manually.
> 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". > F*cking right!
> What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
> 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
> Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people really
> do this? Who and where are they?
> 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, you
> dick-head, I paid 15 dollars to come to the movies to stare at the f*cking
> floor.
> 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
> choice there, did you sunshine?
> 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then > there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
> must have been something before it.
> 8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest > damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
> 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come > yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
> 10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.So what
> did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
> 11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's > really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
> 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
> image I really didn't need.
> 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert
> the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a Mc Chicken > Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well I'll have a McS
> traw and jam it up your McArse you McF*cking McTosser.
> 14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks "are you
> alright?"..."Yes, I'm fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off > then."
It is not happening on the inspiration front at the moment so larf on....
Part 4
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
--------------
For Golfers who have caddies.
# 10
Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9
Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8
Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7
Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy "Eventually."
# 6
Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5
Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4
Golfer "How do you like my game?"
Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3
Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2
Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
---------------
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
----------------
Enough BFN
Tasmainian couple walking out of the dicorce court,
the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ...oh for ****s sake stop crying,
your'e still my sister
^^^well, aint that the funniest thing you've ever heard? ^^^
C'mon, there's better Tasmanian two headed incest jokes out there than that limp effort.
Easty, don't mention incest here. It is a subject frowned upon in mainland australia 
John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out on to John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke up, very softly ...
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes:
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "
WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOUR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their moustache
_________________________________
Wayne Carey and Mark Bickley are enjoying a lunch at a fancy West Lakes restaurant.
The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive.
She asks Mark what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."
Very good, sir " she replies. Turning to Carey she asks, "And what do you want, Wayne?"
Carey answers, "How about a quickie?"
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were on the straight and narrow and committed to high principles and morality, not like last year. I'm sorry you have joined the Crows." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.
Bickley leans over to Carey, and says, "Wayne, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche' ".
An irish bloke takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him "Whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall?" Paddy says "It's my speaking clock" "How does it work?" asks his mate. "I'll show you" says Paddy, and he hits it full pelt with a claw hammer. And a voice from next door yells "For ****s sake you ****, it's twenty to three in the ****ing morning"
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time
before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
Internet Warning:
If you get an e-mail titled - "Nude photo of Julia Gillard" don't open it...
it contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard.
How do you recycle a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the F*** out of it
What do you call an Irish man who loves the great outdoors?
Patio Furniture
Flame suit on!!!!!!![}:)]
Why did the kiter cross the road??
As if he had a choice!!!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his
pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss
me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled
at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with
you for a week, and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog - now, that's cool!"
