A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to run away with my new girlfriend because I didn’t want to fight with you and mum.
I’m like so in love with Stacy she’s amazing. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, leather bike clothes and
the fact that she is like heaps older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad we’re having a baby....yaaah! Can you believe it a dad at 16 so cool...
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.Stacy has proven to me that
dope doesn't hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for better drugs.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my centre desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Two Woodpeckers...
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Hey, I'm just the messenger!!!
What's a girls asshole doing while she's having an orgasm?
He's down at the pub having a beer with his mates.
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour`s dog is barking like mad in the garden, Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I`ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"
The irish jokes - just keep them rolling .....
Lubricant....
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.' Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ....it's a f””kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
I am a keen reader of the jokes and funny images thread and it pisses me off no end when someone screws the whole thing up and posts a comment. I love a good Irish joke and whilst this is an anecdote it is never the less humorous.
I worked with an Irishman ten years ago who had an awesome sense of humour and was a dedicated drinker. One night whilst swallowing beer I asked him if it did not bother him being Irish, the brunt of all stupid jokes. He replied without batting an eyelid and in a very serious tone:
You know Don it's like this. I take a lot of solace on the advice handed down to me by my father. His philosophy was that that there are three types of human beings.
There's those that are Irishmen, there's those that want to be Irishmen and there's those who have no ****ing ambition whatsoever!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he`d like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I`d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn`t know we had a choice"
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don`t know! it`s your fookin plane!!".
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, "You know what i want don`t you?"
Yea says Paddy "The whole fookn`bed by the looks of it!"
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Q. What`s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. Black coat, White collar and you`ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
some more good human comedy,
but you have to read it youselves 
www.darwinawards.com
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
The rat, and the story...
A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop. After looking
around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The
owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The
fellow gave the owner his $12 and said, 'I'll just take the rat, you
can keep the story!'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little
disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a
couple of blocks, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran,
he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS,
and they were running faster and faster. By now, very concerned, he ran
down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as
he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it,
and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said,
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?
'S--t no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze
Muslim, a ****, a lawyer, a politician and an Indian
spin bowler!!!!!.'
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how
he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
JULIUS MALEMA ON A PLANE
>
> Julius was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
>
> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the him, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,'Julius said. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a buck all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a buck excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
Julius, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Yu haikona wena, I have no idea....'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?
did you hear about the chinese couple who had a baby which was retarded? They were stuck for a name so they called it
sum ting wong!
Why do chinese not have telephones?
Because they wing the wong number!
(these are not racist jokes so please dont get offended.. Meant in good fun.)
A burglar broke into a house one night. he shined his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
"Jesus knows your here"
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
"Jesus is watching you"
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot
"Did you say that?" he hissed to the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I`m just trying to warn you that he is watching you,"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
An old jew telling his grandson about his childhood:
" When I was a little boy our family was so poor so poor ... if I was not a boy I would have had nothing to play with".
Why are synagogues round?
No corners to hide in when the collection plate comes around.
What happens when you squeeze a synagogue?
All the Juice runs out.
A new drug has been released its called " TIAGRA "
For when 18 holes is not enough
The rat, and the story...
A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop. After looking
around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The
owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The
fellow gave the owner his $12 and said, 'I'll just take the rat, you
can keep the story!'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little
disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a
couple of blocks, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran,
he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS,
and they were running faster and faster. By now, very concerned, he ran
down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as
he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it,
and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said,
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?
'S--t no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze
Muslim, a ****, a lawyer, a politician and an Indian
spin bowler!!!!!.'
I play the age card! Came through on email and usually delete after forwarding here. Forgot to delete!
DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'
New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What
good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs..
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC Capalaba.
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road. A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
