An Aberdonian.....
walks into a bank in Union Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Aberdonian hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan.
The bank Manager and his officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Aberdonian for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Aberdonian returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000 ?
The Aberdonian replies:
"Where else in Aberdeen can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when Ireturn'"
The blonde and the brunette worked for a female boss who left early almost every day. One day, the brunette said, “Let’s take the rest of the day off when she leaves. She never comes back to check on us.”
So, right after the boss left, the blonde and the brunette took off. The brunette spent the afternoon shopping, going to a move, and had the time of her life. The blonde, however, decided to go home. But when she entered her house, she heard a noise coming from the bedroom. Tiptoeing to the door she peeked in and there was her boss in bed with her husband.
The blonde tiptoed out of the house and returned to the office.
The next day the brunette said, “Hey, when she leaves early, let’s take off again, today.”
“No way,” the blonde said. “I did that yesterday and I almost got caught.”
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock
and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese
accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only
two left!'
What is the definition of an Emo?
The only person in the world who can be beaten up by a Goth.....
What is the difference between "Hard" & "Light"?
You can sleep with the "Light" on.
Voted "best joke in the world" in 2002:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
Letter from camp.
Dear Mum and Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on T.V. and were worried. We are o.k. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes please call Adams mother and tell her he is o.k. He can`t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn`t been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn`t hear him, did you know that if you put petrol on a fire the petrol will blow up?
The wet wood didn`t burn but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn`t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked o.k. when we left. Scoutmaster Kieth said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to brake down; that`s probably why he can`t get insurance.
We think it`s a neat bus. He doesn`t care if we get it dirty and if it`s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It get pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns at riding in the trailer until the traffic cop stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Kieth is a neat guy. Don`t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse to drive on the mountain roads where there isn`t any cops. All we ever see up here are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn`t let me because i couldn`t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it`s concrete because we didn`t have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. You can still see some of the trees under water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn`t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn`t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and i threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it was probably just food poisoning from the left over chicken, he said they got sick that way from food they ate in prison. I`m glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way what is a petal_file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don`t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it`s my turn to sleep in the scoutmasters tent.
Love, Jimmy
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer’s field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick.
“I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me,” he explains. “Whoever screams the least gets the bird.”
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man’s privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, “My turn.”
“Nah,” says the farmer, turning away. “You can keep the duck.”
1. Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
2. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
3. Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
4. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
5. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
6. Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
7. This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
8. Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
9. After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree
10. Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife
4th person came out and admitted that she had a long term relationship with the wood of tiger wood.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like
hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
DIRTIEST CHOCOLATE JOKE EVER -
It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree were on a River cruise, they met on the Top Deck, It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street ; he was an Old Jamaican. They walked hand in hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block.
They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had A Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said 'Sure...Take 5 '.
They Decided to leave as the music was too loud, & neither of them liked M&M.
On the way out he bought her some Roses, She said they were her Favourites.
They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red Ferrero.
He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he was a Smartie.
She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to Polly Waffle on. He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said if you play your cards right you might get lucky aftertea. He replied, After Dinner?.. Mint!
' At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe!
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole', she said. 'And I'm the one with the Nuts', he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars, They felt Smooth & Creamy. He thought to himself, They'll definitely melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.
They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt her Kit Kat. She started to play with his Fruit & nuts, But then she said 'Stop!'
He thought she was a Malteaser, But he still wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard .
He thought this was Fantastic as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but he needed to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising... So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper. He was exhausted, so he rolled Over for a Flake.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts!!.
what do sex and air have in common?
neither are any big deal...till your not getting any.
A 90-year-old gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an up scale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar was an 80-year-old lady. The gentleman walked over, sat alongside of her, ordered a drink, took a sip, turned to her and asked, “So, tell me, do I come here often?”
A Wee Scottish Tale.
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's **** an pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me'
The keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
An old man, slightly unsteady on his feet, shuffling his way down the jetty singing quite loudly "eighty two today, eighty two today", come up behind an angler and with a deft nudge pushes the angler into the water. He then changes his song to "eighty three today, eighty three today"[}:)]
"Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in,
almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"
You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to
lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen, table. Afterwards she said,
"Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?" She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."
The blonde and the brunette worked for a female boss who left early almost every day. One day, the brunette said, “Let’s take the rest of the day off when she leaves. She never comes back to check on us.”
So, right after the boss left, the blonde and the brunette took off. The brunette spent the afternoon shopping, going to a move, and had the time of her life. The blonde, however, decided to go home. But when she entered her house, she heard a noise coming from the bedroom. Tiptoeing to the door she peeked in and there was her boss in bed with her husband.
The blonde tiptoed out of the house and returned to the office.
The next day the brunette said, “Hey, when she leaves early, let’s take off again, today.”
“No way,” the blonde said. “I did that yesterday and I almost got caught.”
His parents had tried everything.. .tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Scam Alert -- Taking Advantage of Men -- Scam Alert
Guys, be on the lookout!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather warms.
A "heads up" for those men who may be regular BigW, Home Hardware, or Bunnings customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
BigW has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 5 kilos just running back and forth to BigW, Home Hardware and Bunnings.
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,
You guessed it:
Her share of the lotto winnings...
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while
she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is
barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells,"Hey! You can`t leave that lyin`there!" The drunk replies,"Thats not a lion! it`s a giraffe."
Q. What is forty foot long and has eight teeth....?
A. the front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's
somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the
psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we
should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?'
he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is
an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so
happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me
a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may
I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!
AVOID PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK &TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! Your a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too, says the duck."Now if you don`t mind, can i have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint."It`s just we don`t get many ducks in this pub...What are you doing around this way?"
"I`m working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. I`m a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but he takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks...
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes to the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "Your with the circus aren`t you? Well, i know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card."Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I recon i can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I`m always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus,"says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That`s right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course, the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That`s right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says..............
"What the farrk would they want with a plasterer??!"
