Arguing on forums is like running in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarted.
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
'What are you doing?' he asks.
'I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,' she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
'I don't remember asking her to cook my sock......'
Gambling Gramps
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So,the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
Should post this on my let them free thread, but the do-gooders might not
tolerate it.
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an
Aussie are all walking together one day..
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
****! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
****! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says,
Fill the ....er with water!![}:)]
There was a very rich Irishman who had a little dog. It meant the world to him. When the dog died, he went to the priest. "Father Murphy, my little dog is dead. I’d sure enough appreciate it if ye’d say a public mass fer ‘im."
"Sorry, Patrick," said the priest, "We don’t say mass fer dogs ‘n’ the like. But you go on down there to the Protestant church. With their progressive thinking, who knows what they’ll do."
"Well, Father, I wouldn’t want to offend them. Do ya think a donation of a 100,000 pounds would be fitting fer such a service?" Patrick asked.
"Now, Patrick, why didn’t ye tell me that there little dog was a Catholic in the first place!!!"
A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth .
Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'
'No Darl', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
STOLEN CAR
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m a Baptist.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, I'm on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.”
Reload
A man gets his penis sunburned. His buddy tells him too stick it in a glass of milk. His blonde walks in & says oh my God, thats how you reload it !
Japie, I don't rememebr it being a kiss, I heard it was lot more than that.
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine....’
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails. '
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes.'
Apparently the Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the
GovernmentR17;s new economic stimulus package....
The Allergists voted to scratch it but the Dermatologists advised not
to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it and the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said,
'Oh! Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness while the
Radiologists were able to see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Orthopaedic Specialists made no bones about it.
The Interns thought it was a bitter pill to swallow: and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new complexion on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward and the Urologists were
piszed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas: and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out leaving the entire decision up to
the arseholes in Canberra.
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner:" Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt."
Verne: " Was it a Titleist 3 ?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Verne: "That was my mulligan."
A young boy goes off to college from Tamworth, but about a third of the way through the semester he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his dad. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Bluey 9the cattle dog) how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Bluey doing, son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s Bluey? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Bluey was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still rootin that little redhead who lives on Nundle Street?’
The father says, “I hope you SHOT that lyin’ ****er!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy.”
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if Mr. Whippy hadn't come along.
A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial Pipe and eying two U.S. Government officials sent to interview him.
“Chief Two Eagles,” stated one official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, “When white man found this land, Indians were running it.”
“No taxes.”
“No debt.”
“Plenty buffalo.”
“Plenty beaver.”
“Women did all the work.”
“Medicine man free.”
“Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing.”
“All night having sex.”
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”
Two gold-fish are in a tank. First one says to the second. `You drive and I will man the guns`
Billy Connelly Statement of the Century
'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
[}:)]
The best graffiti .....
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
- Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
- Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?"
it's "Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.
- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
- Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less
- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him.
- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
BETTER LOOK FOR A FUNNY JOKE NOW
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who's he going to tell?”
Clues -- Key Wee[}:)]
What has 6 legs and runs around a paddock
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(pretend to scroll down here)
A Ram pulling a Ueweee 
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Modern answer to the kid's
"Daddy how was I born"... Qu' (U will have to scroll for this one)
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
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Scroll down...You'll love this ...
"You got Male!"
why did the Leb cross the road....?
to bash the Chicken
why did ten Lebs cross the road.....?
the Chicken was winning
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: “Floor 1 - These men have jobs.” The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: “Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.” The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: “Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm, better.” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads: “Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework.” “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: “Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me! But just think what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: “Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.”
