DIARY OF A NEW ZEALANDER IN QUEENSLAND .
AUGUST 31 - Just transferred with to our new home in Brisbane
Queensland . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful,
sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a
deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found
my new home. I love it here.
SEPTEMBER 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem
though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper.
SEPTEMBER 30TH - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants
today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here...
OCTOBER 10TH - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy
though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than
I expected.
OCTOBER 15TH - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree
burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb
thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
OCTOBER 20TH - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the Mazda
before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car
after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping
bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes
and cat ****. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
OCTOBER 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****in'
blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the
blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me
he needs to order parts from ****in' Sydney ....
OCTOBER 30TH - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still
haven't arrived for the ****in' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the
pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go
inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
NOVEMBER 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and
gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
NOVEMBER 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to ****in' throttle him. ****in' heat! By the time I get to
work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking
****in' wet and I smell like baked cat!
NOVEMBER 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and
sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my
****in' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on
the backs of my legs and my ****in' arse. Now the car smells like
burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
NOVEMBER 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a ****in'
recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****in' sunny! It's
been too hot to do anything for two ****in' months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week.
NOVEMBER 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in' place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry
up and blow into the ****in' pool. The only things that thrive in this
hell-hole are the ****in' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for
fear of swallowing half a dozen of the ****ers!
NOVEMBER 20TH - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix
it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500
mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid
****er. ****in' Brisbane! What kind of sick, demented ****in' idiot
would want to live here!
DECEMBER 1 -
WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are ****in' kidding!
History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
AND ... drum roll please ...
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
One day Johnny peeks into his parents room and sees his dad giving it to his mum, whilst she’s bent over the dresser, his dad sees him and gives him a wink.
After he finishes, his dad goes to check on Johnny. He goes into his bedroom and sees Grandma bent over the dresser with Johnny hanging out the back of her.
Dad yells at Johnny, “What the f*** are you doing son?”
Johnny replies back, “Not so f***ing funny when its your mum is it?”
Fat Agnes passes away,and i call 000.The 000 operater tells me they will send someone out right away.
Where do you live she asks?
At the end of Eucalyptus drive I reply
The operateor asks "can you spell that for me"
After a long pause i reply
"How about i drag her over to Oak street and you pick her up there"
A lion walks into a bar.
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barman says "why the long paws"?
A bloke goes into a bar carrying an octopus,putting it down on the bar,he announces that it is a special octopus and will bet $100 that they can not prove him wrong.
soon a guy goes up lays his cash on the bar and a guitar,without hesitation the octopus picks it up a lays down a wicked solo that would make jim hendrix proud,,the guy hands the cash over
soon another guy puts his cash on the bar along with a trumpet,the octopus play a tune that would have dizzy giliespie rockin and rollin in his grave .he hands over his cash.
just then a scotsman proceeds to put his cash on the bar along with a set of bagpipes,,the ocky fumbles with the pipes for a while then sits back with a confused look on its face..
the scotsman yells "got ya ye cannae play it,can ye"
the ocky looks up at the scot and replies
""play it?" ,,,"I', gunna **** the brains out of it as soon as i work out how to get its pyjamas off"
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'
Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M..... To 4:00 P.M. you can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says..'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that....
A young surfer is desparate for a decent set in 2 ft onshore conditions when he contemplates going in , just then he scopes a pamela anderson double on the beach , within seconds he,s invited himself to sit down of which she permits , After fifteen minutes of talk and laughter he invites her back to his flat
Oh i cant she says , taken back he digs deeper , come on we,ll have fun and its warmer then here you,ll love it i bet
No i cant she says , dissapointed he asks what is it , boyfreind , married , scared
No nothing like that, i just cant she says . So he has one last dig , when she says i,m on my menstrual cycle ,
To which he blurts out , Why didnt you tell me I ve got my ute we can chuck it in the back 
If Claudia Schiffer marries Brains from the thuderbirds,does she become
Claudia Schiffer Brains?
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you..."
The drunk says, "Tits."
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown, sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"
Great big bloke is walking down the street, obviously a little lost, stops next to a little bloke and says, with his cleft palate, “ nnnghexcuse me, nnnghcan you tell me where the nnnghpost office is?”
The little guy freezes and a look of terror overcomes his face.
Big bloke repeats “nnnghexcuse me, nnnghcan you tell me where the nnnghpost office is?”
The little guy just stands there and stares at the big guy who now starts to get ****ty.
“nnnghI asked you where the nnnghpost office is!”
A passing copper notices the situation, intervenes and says to the big guy “Take the first left next right and it is in the middle of that block.” and the big guy duly departs, casting a crappy look at the little bloke.
The copper turns around to the little guy. “ All he wanted was directions, where is your sense of decency?”
Little bloke looks at the copper and says:
“ nnngI may be nngh small, nngh but nnghI'm nngh nnnghnot nngh****ing nnghstupid!”
Three guys meet at the pearly gates at the same time,and they all admitted together . As they are being shown around, one guy notices that all the pairs look mismatched on enquiring , He is told that should you lie your eternal partner will be Your absolute opposite
A few heaven days later he sees one of the other guys getting around with an absolute pig who wont leave his side , and he thinks to himself he must have lied i,d better be careful . A few heaven days later he sees the other guy with a beautiful walking angel , how did you meet her he says to the guy and with a big grin he goes to answer , whe she says I LIED
Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £3,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £3,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(folks, you're gonna luv this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
How you know when love fades?
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."
She said "Fu%k you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
A teacher at a TAFE College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
3 mates out on xmas eve - pissed as '......'
They all get flattened staggering across a railway crossing.
At the pearly gates St Peter takes pity on them and offers them a chance to get into heaven as long as they can show him something xmasy for the festive season..
They all fumble in their pockets...
First one gets out his some keys and jingles them "Bells - sounds like Bells"
he is let in.
Second one gets out a lighter and flicks it on - "The flame - its like candle light"
he is let in.
Third one gets out some racy red knickers - "Their Carol's"
he is let in!!
Bear goes into a bar and proceeds to get himself completely out of order. Come the end of the night, he gets kicked out after a being involved in a fight in which he inadvertently took a huge bite out of the bar.
Couple of weeks later he seeks re admittance but the barman refuses him service. On seeking an explanation the barmen tells him that that it is OK to get a bit pissed, after all that is what alcohol does, fighting is not on but excusable providing there are no weapons involved but bears on drugs are right out of order.
“Bears on drugs?” says the bear, “ I was not on drugs!”
Wait for it!
“What about the bar bit you ate!”
Couple of old Greek blokes sitting on a hillside looking over their village having a natter and a whinge, as old folks will.
“Look at the roofs in the village”, says Nick, “I work on every roof, do they call me Nick the roofer? Nah!”
“Look at the fishing nets hanging out to dry, if someone wants a net fixed they call me. Do they call me Nick the net mender? Nah!”
“And the boats, you need a repair done I do it! Call me Nick the boatswain? Nah!”
“I F**K ONE Goat!”
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard..
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
Nicknames given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates
Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. The wee bag on the side).
The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.
Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.
Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.
Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture..'
Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .
The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.
The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.
Mussolini - woman in a Glasgow office who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)
How to Start Each Day on a positive note
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Kevin Rudd".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you.
...."Do you really want to delete Kevin Rudd ?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?
Tomorrow we'll do Julia Gillard !!
My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.." The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms.."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Then you should stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Let’s spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness..
The barman nodded and said “that will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary”.
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied “That’s a very competitive price” and handed over his money.
“Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now...
No Christmas
No Easter
No pubs
No wine
No beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
I went down to Centrelink this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no clue who his Daddy is. So, she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dog gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED:
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?
4 guys are discussing how they get their wives to let them surf every Sunday morning. The first says “Every Saturday night I take my wife out to an expensive dinner”. The second says “Every Saturday I clean the house for my wife”. The third says “Every Saturday I let my wife go shopping and she can buy whatever she wants.” The fourth guy looks at the other three and just shakes his head. “You guys got it all wrong.” On Sunday morning I get up at 5:00am, shake wife and say surfing or intercourse?
