Lisa and Judy were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Lisa was nailing down house siding. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Lisa explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Judy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!"
I know this has been on here before but it is a good one:
A blonde boarded a flight for New York on an economy ticket, but insisted on seating herself in First Class. The stewardesses did everything they could to ask her, reason with her, and generally persuade her to move back to the main cabin.
The blonde insisted, however, "I'm a model and an actress, I'm sitting in First Class because I'm going to New York to be a big movie star."
The ladies had to admit defeat, and passed the problem to the co-pilot. In his turn, he approached the difficult passenger, only to be refused, with the same excuse, "I'm a model and an actress, I'm sitting in First Class because I'm going to New York to be a big star."
The crew's frustration finally reached the ears of the captain. "Hold on," he said, "I'm married to a blonde. Let me have a try."
He spoke to the young lady in question for a few moments. To everyone's amazement, the passenger got up at once and quietly re-seated herself in the right part of the aircraft. They all asked the captain, "What on earth did you say to her?"
He smiled quietly. "I just told her that First Class wasn't going to New York."
A man calls home to his wife and says:
“Honey, I have been asked to fly to Maine with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend”.
And also. would you get out my rod and tackle box from the shed ?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas,too.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home, a little tired,
but otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home
and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Trout, some Barra, and a few bass.
He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies: “I did, they're in your tackle box”.
Never, Never, Ever, try to outsmart a woman !!!
The missus is grumpy again.
:(
She asked me to get something to make her feel special, so I bought her a bike helmet and crayons.
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember
Select to expand quoteMark _australia said..
The missus is grumpy again.
:(
She asked me to get something to make her feel special, so I bought her a bike helmet and crayons.
We need a beer 
Pitty u live so far away.
Select to expand quoteA car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
<div class="text_exposed_show">Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, ” I can get you married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
“You must be bloody joking,” says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here … Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her racing mind. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
“Will I be acquitted?”
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote more than 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will'
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.'
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear
of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,
said the shrink.
Come talk to me three times a week and we
should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those
fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year,
is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money!”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said,
“and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
This one's a true story.
I was driving into town the other day and stopped at the traffic lights. Looking about while waiting for the lights to change I noticed a mirror shop full of bright shiny mirrors and elaborate frames. I looked over to my wife and said, "You know, I could see myself working in there." And that's how I got a bruise on my arm.
A drunken, totally naked woman, jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour, Australia.
The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab."What are you staring at Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?"
"I'll not be staring at you Lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?!"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to pay me ?"
Got a new porn film the other day.
So I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some old bloke holding his cock?
Then I realised I hadn't switched the tv on!
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
true story .
Im on the blues cruise in the lift & everyone squashes in & the lift says there are 13 people in the lift maximum is 12 so this bloke goes right get your fat ass out of here then & pushes his wife out the door which instantly shut to stop anymore getting on all the blokes in the lift burst into applause
Select to expand quoteactiomax said..
true story .
Im on the blues cruise in the lift & everyone squashes in & the lift says there are 13 people in the lift maximum is 12 so this bloke goes right get your fat ass out of here then & pushes his wife out the door which instantly shut to stop anymore getting on all the blokes in the lift burst into applause
did they ever find his body?
I don't know I said to my mate if I did that my wife would have run down to next floor &when doors opened punched me in the face.
He said his would have done it every floor.
I think we all applauded because it was good to see such bravery
Nervous young first-time Dad in the waiting room gets chatting with an older guy.
Turns out the old guy's missus is dropping baby no.7.
Youngster asks "How long after the birth do you have to wait before you can have sex again?"
Old guy: "The whole ward will be asleep in another hour mate."
I spent a few hours at my missus's grave this arvo.
She thinks I'm digging a fish pond.
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked, "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "There's about 90 of us."
