A young boy enters a barber shop...and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy likced his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
Canadian Health Care
Who said that the health care in Canada was not up to par???
A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says:
"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says, "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied......
"You were homesick."
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more !
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig !' she retorted indignantly. 'In this
country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives !'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' bouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'
Keep 'em comin' Pitbull. Don't know where you get them and I don't you ever posting a dud. 
Back on topic
A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."
This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"
Select to expand quotecisco said..
Keep 'em comin' Pitbull. Don't know where you get them and I don't you ever posting a dud.
Cheers!
Here's a good'n
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!
After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"
I phoned work and told them I wouldn't be at work today, I had an eye problem.
What kind of eye problem they asked?
I really couldn't see myself working today I replied.
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up his
putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here, and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole, and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"
“But, enough about me. How ya doing?"
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
It doesn't cost $300 to have a lentil on your face
Select to expand quote<div>Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."
Prescription side effects
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "it really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving…."
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero," tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl." The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl" - the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Saudi!" Then next day the newspapers say: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
Still at Hospital.... yesterday was not a good day.
I decided to go horseback riding something I haven't done in over 5 yrs.
It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slow but then we went a little faster and before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me.
It wouldn't stop it just kept going around and around in a circle.
Thank goodness the store manager at K-Mart came out and unplugged the machine..
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Booth Bay Harbor
Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the
catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Gross elert !!!
Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
A: When the missus has to chew before she can swallow !
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather, Kinky is using the whole chook.
Select to expand quoteCraig66 said..
What's the difference between love and lust ????????
What's the difference between love, lust and showing off?
Ok ,so this is where we're going...
Q, why do girls get periods ?
A, cos they deserve it !
A cowboy rides into town off the hot and dusty trail. He gets off his horse walks around, lifts its tail and kisses it right on the arse hole...
Another cowboy watching say to him, "Mate I can't believe you just kissed your horses arsehole". The first cowboy says, "Sure did I have chapped lips". The second cowboy asks "And that fixes them"?? The first cowboy replies, "Nope but it sure stops me lickin them".....
Several years ago, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very, very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out from underneath of the twisted Cart.
"John, she said, (loose breasts undulating beneath her white terry robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on, now " Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very sexy and very persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed and thought to myself, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess"
Sorry lost you there ..... Still stuck on the " loose breasts undulating beneath her white terry robe " , that alone could keep me going for a month !
