A guy is looking for a place
to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON 'T WANT TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students
in the library started staring at the guy;
he was truly embarrassed
and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table
and said with a laugh...
"I study psychology,
and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded
with a loud voice:
$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . That's Absurd !
All the people in the library
looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear:
"I study law,
and I know how to screw people".
WHY OLD GUYS DON'T GET JOBS.
HR Guy :- What is your greatest weakness??
Old Guy:- Honesty.
HR Guy :- I don't believe honesty is a weakness.
Old Guy :- Honestly, I don't give a phuck what you believe.
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running."
A lady went into a bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman's curiosity got the best of her, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya', ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"No need to be flattered," the lady says to the cowboy, "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
News flashes:
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7, 8 and 9.
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £7.50/min (charges may vary,ask your mobile provider)
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's the worst at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
Select to expand quote<div>
Police Have Class
<div> WA Police report finding a man’s body in the Swan River near the Narrows Bridge.The dead man’s name will not be released until his family have been notified.The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G string, a strap on dildo, purple lipstick and a Vote for Bill Shorten T-shirt.He also had a cucumber in his rectum.The police have removed the Vote for Bill Shorten T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip, it's after midnight.
While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair & he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100 the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband & cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back & there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money, He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
He paid for your 20 foot Ranger fishing boat.
He paid for your Packers season ticketstarts.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for your golf trip to St. Andrew's & He paid for our country club membership & He even pays our monthly dues.
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowerso the gun. He looks over at the cabby & says what would you do?
The cabby replies I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not **** in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat. Professor said:
This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said: "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!"
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Who?"
"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said.
"Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said.
"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.
"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow," replied the cabby
The Canadian Revenue Agency actually commented on this one.
Something to ponder. The importance of accuracy in your tax return….
The CRA has returned the Tax Return to a man in Canada after he apparently answered one of the questions unsatisfactorily.
In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?” the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament and an entire group that call themselves Politicians."
The CRA stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back to CRA was ... "Who did I leave out ?"
Select to expand quote<div>Sexual Exhaustion A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
Select to expand quote<div>Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
A young lady was standing in front of a mirror wearing just a bra and knickers
All of a sudden a little coloured chap appeared from behind her bra , he pulled tongues and shot back in
Disturbed she went to her doctor and told him about the event
The doctor asked her to remove her shirt, again the little black fellow appeared from behind her bra, pulled faces then shot back in behind her bra,
Whilst scratching his head the girl asked what is it doc
The doc said I think you've had a silly coon implant
Apple have kicked another winner with their latest, the iTit.
It is a bluetooth speaker in a breast implant.
Women are always complaining that men just stare at their breasts and don't listen to them.
Well now they can listen to them as well.
Select to expand quote<div>Old Couple An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."
source: www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/funnydirtyjokes.html
Three Black Men
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.’
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says, feeling really happy.
After that, she goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with you for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the woman thinks, What the hell and lets him slip his hand down her pants.
Ten minutes later, the old man says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Hasam and Habib are street beggars.
They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Hasam but only collects $2 to $3 every day. Hasam brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hasam 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'
Hasam says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hasam says 'No wonder you only get $2-$3.'
Habib says 'So what does your sign say'?
Hasam shows Habib his sign.
It reads, ''I only need another $10 to get back to Syria.''
The pharmacist walks into work one day and notices a man keeled over leaning against a shelf.
Not wanting to disturb the man, he wonders over to his assistant and asks "what's his problem?" The assistant quickly remarks "he came in wanting cough syrup, but we're all out. I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."
"You fool!" Says the pharmacist " you can't remedy a cough with laxatives!"
"Of course you can!" States the assistant. "Just look at him. He's far too scared to cough now"
[b]Critical Thinking
Woman:[/b]
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Silly Saturday!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A mate asked me to post this.
He bought tickets for the first Wallabies England test some time back but forgot that he was getting married that weekend.
So there is a major opportunity here.
Anyone interested in getting married?
Probably been on here before but its slim pickings at the moment:
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Select to expand quoteThat was a cracker of a joke Japie
<div>A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
The SIMPLEST EXPLANATION EVER of HOW POLITICS WORKS !
I told my son "I want you to marry a girl ofmychoice!"
He said "NO!"
I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!!!
He said "OKAY!"
Got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!"
He said "NO!"
Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!"
Went to the President of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the Bank!
He said "NO!"
Told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law!
He said "OKAY!"
That’s Exactly how Politics works….
Select to expand quoteCopper Wire.....
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
<div class="text_exposed_show">Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely Sweet **** all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless...
Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
