Embarrassed
Mans Journey....
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
When I was 18 and in college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was
too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
with stability.
When I was 21, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks the owner, "Excuthe me thir , do you have any widdle wabbits ?".
The store owner's heart melts and he gets down on his haunches and replies "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft widdle bwown wabbit ?".
The little girl puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and replies," I don't weally fink that my pet python gives a phuk about colour !"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed hit right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc?e is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, ......'Look at this, ..........still in the CRATE!!'
Pasquale died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"So go on, how much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Angelina. "Forty thousand."
"Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"
Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.
The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Maria computed quickly.
"Mama Mia !!!
For the love of God, Angelina; $32,500 for a Memorial Stone?
How big is it?"
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. .
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE. ...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET....
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance
exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into the
name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes by email.
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead
of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what
hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He
thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm
sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what
hole
I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and
asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As
they
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in
sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm
still one hole behind you."
Select to expand quoteEthel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
I'll give him a call."Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,"Hi, I hear you give a great massage.
I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!
Now how does that sound?"He said,"That sounds absolutely fantastic ma'am, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
I woke up this morning at 9:30, and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast all day.
Select to expand quotedesertyank said..
I woke up this morning at 9:30, and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast all day.
Come on desertyank. I know you can do better than that.
What is the difference between a trailer load of sand and a trailer load of dead piglets??
You can't pitchfork sand can you??
Select to expand quoteactiomax said..
How do you get three blondes on a milking stool ?
You turn it upside down
The storm is comming, ugh.
Glad to see no Holocaust jokes here, they bring back painful memories.
My grandfather died in the Holocaust.
He was an SS guard at Auschwitz, got rotten drunk and fell off the tower.
Select to expand quoteoldtelefart said..
Glad to see no Holocaust jokes here, they bring back painful memories.
My grandfather died in the Holocaust.
He was an SS guard at Auschwitz, got rotten drunk and fell off the tower.
F$%k off mate
Select to expand quoteoldtelefart said..
Glad to see no Holocaust jokes here, they bring back painful memories.
My grandfather died in the Holocaust.
He was an SS guard at Auschwitz, got rotten drunk and fell off the tower.
He may have been a man of character and morals and sickened to the core of his being by what he was seeing daily and used grog to give himself the courage to top himself.
It troubles me that people like Grevas are so ready to condemn you because of your "accident of birth".
YOU feck off Grevas and with an attitude like yours, you are nobody's mate.
I went to the bakery and asked if they had any shortbread.
They told me they didn't make it any longer.
Select to expand quotecisco said..oldtelefart said..
Glad to see no Holocaust jokes here, they bring back painful memories.
My grandfather died in the Holocaust.
He was an SS guard at Auschwitz, got rotten drunk and fell off the tower.
He may have been a man of character and morals and sickened to the core of his being by what he was seeing daily and used grog to give himself the courage to top himself.
It troubles me that people like Grevas are so ready to condemn you because of your "accident of birth".
YOU feck off Grevas and with an attitude like yours, you are nobody's mate.
Righto mate, will do..
Select to expand quotecisco said..oldtelefart said..
Glad to see no Holocaust jokes here, they bring back painful memories.
My grandfather died in the Holocaust.
He was an SS guard at Auschwitz, got rotten drunk and fell off the tower.
He may have been a man of character and morals and sickened to the core of his being by what he was seeing daily and used grog to give himself the courage to top himself.
It troubles me that people like Grevas are so ready to condemn you because of your "accident of birth".
YOU feck off Grevas and with an attitude like yours, you are nobody's mate.
Fer Gawdsake it's a joke, not a bleedin' family history.
See, the line "My grandfather died in the Holocaust" sets up an expectation of sadness and sympathy, and the punchline turns it all on its head, thus forming what is known as a "joke". The juxtaposition of expectation and denouement is risible, leading the listener to amusement.
Also, it's tasteless and non-PC. Just the way I like it.
Well sorry. I have no objection to the context, ie holocaust etc and I am as un-PC as anybody and I now see the irony you are getting at but the way the joke is written sounds like you are serious.
My apologies to thee and Grevas. 
In the same spirit, what's black, white and red and lies on the ground twitching?
Wounded nun.
There was a bloke who lost his eye &as he was a subcontractor he could only afford a wooden replacement.
This made him very self conscious so the doctor who dealt with a lot of patience like this organised a dinner ball .
And as everyone went in the doctor pointed out who he thought would be the perfect match &reminded the patient every one here is a bit self conscious but to see the person within
Well looking across the room he saw the most beautiful women in the world to his eye &the doctor pointed her out &told him not only is she beautiful she has an IQ of 190 she ls the most loving caring women I have ever meet .
If I wasnt married .
This is the women i would marry
The doctor says the only thing is her mouth is vertical instead of horizontal but she is so shy she covers her mouth with her long hair tonight I'm hoping she will stop so let me introduce you to her I've booked a table for two she will be your dinner companion have a couple of drinks dinner will be ready soon &after ask her to dance .
The doctor pushes through just about ever bloke in the place surrounding her
He gets to be introduced & they proceeded to totally fall in love .
Dinner is an amazement as she finally pulls her hair aside to eat but she lays her head on her shoulder so she has a horizontal mouth then to eat &hes just memorized &a fair bit pissed by this stage so its pretty normal for people to have Picasso faces & after dinner is finished & they have just connected as sole mate's & the only thing stopping them making babies on the table is an annoying waiter he asks her would you like to dance .
And she replied
Oh wouldn't I.
He screams don't call me wooden eye c#nt face .
I have been so constipated I haven't been able to back one out for over a week despite my best efforts.
So today I went to the doctors went to the front desk then naturally went looking for the loo, I seen a door with a sign that proclaimed a "patient toilet" thank christ I thought.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
