Two younger generation wood cutters were mouthing of in the local about how good they were ...
...an old gnarly fella shuffles over and tells them they know SFA ..and bets them 100 bucks he can name any type of wood and how old it is from the smell whilst blind folded...
Taking the challenge 100 bucks was thrown on the bar and a ring of local hard wood was fetched from the ute outside ...and waved under the nose of the blind folded old fella ..Seconds later he replied ..." that's Black Butt and 27 years old "....they counted the rings 27 and sure enough the old fella pocketed the cash ...
"Double or nothing" says the old fella ...now the youngsters new they would be fleeced so they ripped down to the bottom bar and found the local dirty girl and got her up to the blind folded old fella..she ripped of her thong and backed her butt under his nose ...his nose wrinkled up ..then she turned around and put her shaven haven under his nose ...his nose wrinkled up again and 20 seconds later said ....
" It's definitely a S...T house door off a 55 year old Taiwanese fishing Trawler ...!"
This is a fact a group of mathematicians gave an investment broker ,a company astrologer who bases stock market predictions on horoscopes for the company's & a 5 year old $5000 ea to invest for 6 months to see if you really can predict the stock market or its random chance .
The 5year old came 1st the stock broker came second &when the astrologer was told she came last her reply was well im not suprised the 5 year old won as he is a Scorpio &there naturally lucky
It made me laugh
A good Irish story.
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said . my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:"Had him circumcised."
It turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute ............. totally blew my mind.
Three Kids Fishing
Donald Trump was out walking one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland.' Trump said, 'No problem, I'll take you there in Air Force 1 airplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's shoes.'Trump said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!' Trump was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'
Select to expand quotedjt91184 said..
I have been so constipated I haven't been able to back one out for over a week despite my best efforts.
So today I went to the doctors went to the front desk then naturally went looking for the loo, I seen a door with a sign that proclaimed a "patient toilet" thank christ I thought.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor."Ah Doc, it's me arse. I aven't been able to take a decent **** in ages. Will yer take a look"?
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and bend over the table so he can take a look. 'Incredible,' he says, " and what would you be doing for a job these days Mr Murphy'?
"Well" says Murphy, "happens I've picked up a few months work on that big building site down by the canal Doc"
"And how long have you been unable to defecate properly Mr Murphy"? asked the Doctor.
"I suppose it came on just a few days after I started the job, you're not be thinking that the labouring is too much for me and its affected my arse are you Doc"? Asked Murphy.
"Hmmmmm" said the doc "this may sting a bit Mr Murphy but I have to ask you to remain perfectly still" and with that the Doctor walked over to a large cupboard, took out a cricket bat and gave Mr Murphy an almighty crack across the arse with it.
Murphy squealed and jumped bolt upright and yelled "what the bloody hell did you be doing dat for"?"
All in good time Mr Murphy" replied the Doc, "now if you'll de so good as to use my lavatory and see if you can achieve a decent result".
Murphy rubbing his arse hobbled into the Doctors toilet with his pants around his ankles and emerged some ten minutes later with a huge smile on his face and said, "Doc I don't understand your methods but that was the best **** I've had in weeks, what was it that was wrong with me"?
"Well" said the Doc "you asked me if your affliction was caused by you taking on the job as a builder's labourer and indirectly it was".
"Oh no" exclaimed Murphy, "does this mean I'll have to pack the job in then"?
"No, no, no" said the Doc "from what I can see you're perfectly suited to the job Mr Murphy, though I will have to make one stipulation in regards to your working environment".
"OK, no worries then Doc and what would that be and I'll be sure to follow your advice to the letter"
"It's like this Mr Murphy" replied the Doctor in hushed tones, "When you feel the call of nature at work and feel the need to evacuate your bowels, or to take a **** in your vernacular".
"yes, yes" said Murphy.
"Then you've just got to stop wiping your arse on the used cement bags"
IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday
by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning,... the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast
had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I
didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes' discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for $50.00."
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my
Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord and behold, my fiance?'s entire family was standing outside, all clapping and cheering!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said,
'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was in the park when this woman came up and asked me "Are you taking photos of my little daughter on your iPhone?!"
"Yes, but it's not what you think."
"Well, what is it then?!"
"A Samsung Galaxy."
It's true that the early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.
Take Heed! Be careful what you buy on eBay. A friend has just spent $95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger. Bastards sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions said "Do not use in sunlight".
car...
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for woman....
Mixing the Renault "Clio" and the Ford "Taurus" they have designed the "Clitaurus"
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn it over.
New models are initially are fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, grabbed him,
swam to the surface and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered
her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond
to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right
after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
Pretty sure this has been on here before but the good ones are worth repeating:
Lawyer goes to grill an old lady in court, but she blows him away with her reply.
During a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.
Suddenly, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said. "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
Headine in the local paper this week: "Personal trainer busted with drugs."
Shows you can never tell what people are up to.
I've been going to this guy for years and never knew he was a personal trainer.
Son: "Dad, we're learning about prisms at school. They're fascinating."
Dad: "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound
to end up in one."
My wife and I have been married for 15 years.
Having sex with just one person for 15 years takes pure dedication.
I don't know how she does it.......
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1,2,3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The old man responded, "Your partner must say '1,2,3,4, ' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said '1,2,3!' Immediately, he was the manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1,2,3 for?"
And that, folks, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A traveller through England on vacation
lost his wallet and all of his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted
to make his way home but was
stopped by the Australian Customs
Agents at the airport.
"May I see your identification, please?"
asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"
replied the bloke.
"Sure mate, I hear that every day.
No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed.
"I have a picture of Joe Hockey tattooed on one side of my arse and Julie Bishop on the other."
"This I gotta see, replied the agent. With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.
"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Sydney."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Sydney?"
The agent replied, "I recognised Turnbull in the middle."
Was sitting at macas on my lunch break with me oldman as we were waiting for our order to be called.l noticed my oldman looking at this cute punklike chick with pink spiked up hairdo.trying to stay cool & hoping she doesn't notice by dad perving on her,she suddenly shouts what are you looking at.l totally went red & sunk down in the chair l was sitting in.l thought to myself l hope he can get himself out of this on. He turned to her & said l thought you might of been my daughter after l got drunk one night & ****ed a parrot.
A man walks into a zoo and the only animal in the entire zoo was a dog.
It's a Shih Tzu.
Select to expand quotemazdon said..
Don't know what your problem is. Told the joke to an aboriginal friend and he laughed out loud and came back with one similar. I would tell it but only works live.
To appreciate any joke, one needs to be able to laugh at one's self.
