Top Joke

My wife just stopped and said " You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought " Thats a weird way to start a conversation."

The first part of this has been on here before. The last bit gives it a nice finish:

In New York a new shop where women can choose and buy a Husband, has just been opened.
On the board at the shop entrance, women must first read the rules of how the shop operates:
You can visit the shop ONLY ONCE.
The are 6 floors and the characteristics of the men improve as you go up.
You can choose any man on the floor you are on or you can move up to the following floor.
You cannot never return back to the lower floor.
A woman decides to go and have a look at the Husband Shop as she wants to find a husband.

1st floor: "These men have a Job". Up she goes.

2nd floor: "These men have a job and love children". Up she goes.

3rd floor: "These men have a job, love children and are extremely handsome". Wow thinks the woman, but then up she goes again.

4th floor: "These men have a job, love children, are extremely handsome and help with the house cleaning". Incredible, thinks the woman, I can't hardly resist, but that said, decides once again to move up.

5th floor: "These men have a job, love children are extremely handsome, help with the house cleaning and are lovingly romantic". The woman, at this point, is tempted to enter and choose one...but up she goes.

6th floor: "You are Visitor N?. 31,456,112 of this floor. There are no men here. This floor exists only to demonstrate that it is impossible to satisfy a woman! Thank you for visiting our Shop."


In front of the Husband Shop, a Wife Shop has been recently opened.

On the first floor: "Women that love sex".

On the second floor: "Women that love sex, keep quiet and don't break your balls".


Floors 3 to 6 have never been visited.

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?""Food cold!" the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"

"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?""I quit!" said the man.

"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

bush poetry....

We pensioned off old Blue the dog
when old age got him down
We sent him for company
to old Grandma in the town

But while Granny was elated
Blue still craved the great out doors
and he would roam the town exploring
while old granny did the chores

So it was this sunday morning
Blue was fossicking about
through the paddocks near the township
on his normal daily scout

When a canine gourmet odour
overpowered his sense of smell
though his eyesight had diminished
his old sniffer still worked well

And the sense of his excitement
was reposed down by the creek
where a sheep had met his maker
for the best part of a week

For its woolly corpse was spreading
and the air was far from fresh
from this rancid flyblown carcass
with its seething greenish flesh

It was a dogs idea of heaven
and old Blue, he rubbed and rolled
till he ponged just like the sheep did
and with ecstasy extolled

Then an idea formed within him
as he gave a gentle tug
and he found the carcass followed
like a matted lumpy rug

He would take it home for later
it should last a week or two
if he stored it in his kennel
he could keep his prize from view

So he gripped the carcass firmly
proudly into town he went
but his load proved fairly heavy
and old Blues energy soon spent

And the only shade on offer
was the building with the bell
and he dragged his prize towards
with its flies and feral smell

Then the dog and sheep both rested
in the front porch of the church
old Blue looked up the gangway
at the parson on his perch

He was revving up the faithful
to repent to save their worth
and said satan was the culprit
for all the rotten things on earth

And he roared of fire and brimstone
and redemption for the throng
up the aisle came satans presence
in this godforsaken pong

And they all cried "Hallelujah"
and they fell as one to pray
but by now old Blue was rested
and he hadn't time to stay

He proceeded up the roadway
with the woolly corpse in tow
with a shortcut through the nursing home
the quickest way to go

Where the matron, in a panic
counted heads in mortal fright
with a smell like that they'd surely lost
a patient through the night

And the members at the bowls club
lowered all their flags half mast
doffed their hats in silence
for the funeral going past

But old Blue lugged his prize on homewards
travelling past the bowling club
till he took a breather under
the verandah of the pub

There old boozing Bill was resting
sleeping off the night before
to wait the sunday session
when they opened up the door

When the stench awoke his slumber
which was highly on the nose
and he thought his pickled body
had begun to decompose

And he missed the sunday session
when he ran home to his wife
to proclaim the shock announcement
he was off the booze for life

Meanwhile Blue could see Gran's gateway
at the far end of the street
so he started up the pavement
with his ripe and tasty treat

But there was movement in the backstreets
as the town dogs sniffed in deep
they broke chains and climbed high fences
for a piece of Blue's dead sheep

And Blue felt the road vibrating
from the stamp of canine feet
as this pack of thirty mongrels
came advancing up the street

But he wasn't into sharing
so he sought a quick escape
and he spied a nearby building
with a door that stood agape

Through this door he sought asylum
but his presence caused a shriek
for he'd chosen the local deli
that was run by Nick the greek

And Blue shot beneath a table
where the sheep and he could hide
but the dog pack was relentless
and they followed him inside

Now the table Blue had chosen
was a double booked mistake
with the law enforcement sergeant
sipping coffee on his break

And the sergeant sat bolt upright
with a dog between his feet
and his eyes began to water
from the dead decaying meat

Then the sarge leapt up in horror
but in his haste he slipped and fell
falling down amongst Blue's mutton
with it's all embracing smell

And he lay somewhat bewildered
in the gore, flat on his back
when the mongrel pack descended
in a frenzied dog attack

With first thought self- preservation
from the rows of teeth he faced
the sarge fumbled for his pistol
in it's holster at his waist

There were muffled bangs and yelping
as random shots rang out
and the whine of bouncing bullets
off the brickwork all about

As he blasted in a panic
from beneath the blood and gore
a front window and the drink fridge
were both added to the score

And the cappuccino maker
copped a mortal wound and died
hissing steam, it levitated
falling frothing on it's side

And Nick the greek, the owner
grabbed a shotgun in his fright
blasting into the confusion
of the frantic canine fight

At short range it wasn't pretty
dogs were plastered on the wall
there was laminex in splinters
clouds of dog hair covered all

Then the smoke detector whistled
with the gunsmoke in the air
which set off the sprinkler system
and a siren gave a blare

And the echoes still were ringing
when beneath the dying heap
there emerged old Blue, still dragging
at the remnants of his sheep

It's head was gone and several legs
but it hadn't lost it's smell
in the armistice that followed
Blue decided not to dwell

He leapt the fence at Grandma's
for his feet had sprouted wings
pure adrenalin propelled him
fleeing dogs and guns and things

Now old Gran had influenza
and had lost her sense of smell
with Blues sheep in the garden
that was probably just as well

And she looked out from her front fence
at the town in disarray
at the ambulance, police cars
and the rspca as well

Then the fire brigade rushed past her
flashing lights of rosy hue
and she hugged the old dog tightly
he'd protect her would old Blue

You just stay here like a good dog
Grandma told him with a frown
" 'cause you've no idea the trouble
you can get into in town"

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye"

The policeman says "Well.Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile"

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "..think hard before giving a stupid answer"

The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM. the suspect is wearing contact lenses."The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "

Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that"He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "WoW! I can't believe it.it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?""

That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

A man goes to a pet store in order to buy himself an exotic bird. He tells the clerk, "You know I've had a number of pet birds in my life and now I'm looking for something really special. Have anything I might like?"

"Yes sir, I do. I have a South American parrot rumored to have a vocabulary of over 400 words. He can talk about the weather, about sports, and about politics. But I might add, he is very expensive.

""Well, he sounds just perfect. Why don't you bring him out here?"The clerk goes into the back room and brings out an exquisite green bird with bright feathers and a dark, golden beak. He sets the bird on a perch and excuses himself to take care of another customer in another part of the shop.

The man looks at the bird and starts talking to it in the usual way, "Pretty bird, pretty bird, Polly want a cracker?"The bird replies in such beautiful English the man can hardly believe his ears. They have a conversation about the recent rains, they talk about the latest bills in Congress, and even talk about the latest Super Bowl. The man is dumbfounded."I'll take him," he calls out to the clerk, "take him home with me today.""Very good, sir," says the clerk. They conclude the transaction and the man walks out with the parrot on his shoulder.

As soon as they get to the man's home, the bird goes into a loud tirade of profanity. One four-letter word after another. On and on without end. The man can't believe it."Look, bird, you didn't do any of this in the shop. I have guests coming over tonight. Don't you dare embarrass me with this kind of language."The bird continues on and on with the profane cursing.The man gets fed up and throws the parrot into his freezer. That will quiet him down, thinks the man.Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has gone completely silent.

The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow."Forgive me sir, I will never talk like that again. I just do not know what got it to me."

The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to perch on his shoulder and the man goes about his business.

A few minutes later the bird leans over to his ear and asks quietly, "Can I ask you a question?""Sure, what is it?"

"Uh, what exactly did the chicken do?"

Did you hear about the vision impaired Jewish doctor?

He got the sack

Bill Shorten wanted to be remembered so he commissioned a special postage stamp which was to carry his picture. He instructed his people to design it, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released and he was delighted. However, within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and this made him very annoyed.
He 'phoned the stamp makers and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked out the problem by visiting several post offices, and then they reported back to the politician.
Their report said,.''There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side

An old couple are in bed. The old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7 points each". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

Dazza and Shazza getting ready for a night out.
Shaz: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Daz: "First ya gotta promise not to get angry or ever mention what I say."
Shaz: "OK, I promise."
Daz: "I had sex with your sister."