Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G spot????
A man will bother to look for the golf ball..............
Whats the definition of macho???
Jogging home after a vasectomy...................
Whats the definition of mixed emotions???
Watching your ex reverse over a cliff in your new car.......
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin, and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks,so slopped her dripper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
Greenie, haha, I got through the first para, then started to realize how fkn confusing it must be 4 kids who see words like that aye.... LOL
In the version I heard it ended with rindercella meeting Friar Tuck (whose name became Triar F... of course)
If a Dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?
a SWALLOW!!..............what else!
To all you golfers
It was a sunny Sunday morning on the first hole and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my
routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement,
"Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee."
I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more,
the man yelled:
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"
Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly
at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands
and shouted back,
"Would the **** in the clubhouse kindly shut the **** up and let me play my
second shot?"
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been
with a loose girl"..
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the little girl you were with?"
I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.
"Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say Father."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry Father, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I
admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino who slides over and
whispers,"What'd you get?"
Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads."
Three dogs at the Vet's
Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation...
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger.
I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.
The other two then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said... 'Hell no, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner....
'I think my missus caught a glimpse.....'
EDIT: 4 Smooch this is a joke inside a thread called "Top Joke" remember J.O.K.E = funny.
I've got two 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid woman...why else would I buy dog food??
Paddy and Murphy are sitting in Murphies lounge room drinking Guiness. At this time of the evening they would normally be in the pub playing darts but Murphy has fallen off a scaffold and bust his leg pretty badly.
The conversation is stilted, nothing worthwhile on telly.
"Can I get you anything" says Patrick.
"To be sure Paddy, me feet are ****ing freezing. Could you get me my slippers?"
"Not a problem Murphy" says Patrick jumping to his feet and bounding up the stairs.
Just before he gets to the bedroom he espies Murphy's twin teenagers dancing to the radio, nearly naked, in their room, and being Paddy, he sticks his head in and says:
"Gudday Darlings! Your Dad sent me up here to **** you both!"
" Piss of out of here" said the one, "Go on **** off, you eedjit!" said the other.
"No no, hold about" said Paddy, I can prove it, and shouting down the stairs he says to Murphy, " Just the one, or both of them Murphy?"
"Both of them, to be sure!" he shouts back, " Whats the good of ****ing one?"
A husband is watching his wife change and he says 'Gee love your arse is huge its as big as a Four Burner Bar-b-que' 
'Well thanks a lot you mongrel ' she said and stormed off. 
Later in bed the husband snuggles up behind his wife and taps her on the shoulder. 
She turns around to him and says ' I'm not firing up this four burner Bar-b-que for half a sausage!! 
On another night the same husband is watching his wife get changed after a shower, she looks in the mirror and says 'I look a mess I feel fat,old and ugly!! can you please pay me a compliment?
The husband says 'well your eye sight is spot on'
Postman Pat's last day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a
full English breakfast:
Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five
quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move our wedding date forward!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey Batman, What's for dinner?"
What does a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
......
They're both in the **** if the rubber breaks
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy Mom!'
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy Mom!'
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
___________________________________________________
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
____________________________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.
Both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
As they did the stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went through red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh ****..! Am I driving..?"
A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Lebanese!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia'
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavia!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
The person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'
The African lady checks her watch and says
...'Probably at work'
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
Q) whats the difference between a woman and a car battery
A)battery holds a posative
the thread about helmets reminded me of this joke...Whats the difference between pink, and purple ????????.............................the grip....
A hooker was at the doc.s Congrats ur pregnant do u know who the dad is ? The hooker replies. if u ate a tin of baked beans would u know which 1 made u fart
Barbie Dolls
A hard working executive decides he's been neglecting his kids. Decides this year he'll actually buy his 6 year old daughter a birthday present that he'll pick out himself!
He heads into Toys r Us, and sheepishly asks the guy at the counter, "what would a 6 year old girl want for her birthday?"
Toy man says, "have you had a look in the "pink"aisle?"
The dad looks a little confused, "pink aisle,... what's a fricken pink aisle????"
10 mins later......
Having carefully peroused the pink aisle, and with an eye for a bargain, the dad comes back and says,
"Sir can yo please explain to me all that Barbie Doll stuff.
There's Holiday Barbie - $29.99, Skiing Barbie - $29.99, Bridal Barbie - $29.99, Rollerblading Barbie - $29.99, then there's Divorce Barbie at bloody $129.99!!!! wtf !!!!!"
The toy shop man says, "Simple sir, that's because Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat!"
