Select to expand quoteSimondo said...
Green or Blue Chrispy?!
Green and blue will be just fine for my quiver thanks.
Funny jokes - a short one for Scotty!
Flight attendant: "Would you like some head-phones?"
Passenger: "Well yes, and how did you know my name was Phones?"
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to
his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "I was wondering how you knew my name was Katz?"
Relocating to Pakistan - from my Canadian mate Bob!
Dear Mr. Harper:
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Pakistan for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.
We're planning to simply fly from Canada into Pakistan, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.
I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Asif Ali Zardari, that I'm on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Pakistani Government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Urdu by English- speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on Canadian culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the Canadian flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Pakistani driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Pakistan, but I don???t plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Pakistani police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the Canadian flag from my housetop, put Canadian Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 1st. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Pakistani people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so that although I don???t pay Pakistan taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Pakistan Government pays $4,500.00 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Pakistan Social Security program so that I???ll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who fly to Canada from Pakistan. I am sure that President Asif Ali Zardari won???t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear.....
"No, Norwegian!"
A McTavish Joke; 
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London ,
the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Select to expand quoteNewScotty said..
I like the flight attendant joke.
I'm sure the longer one would be good also.
Brilliant!
Ok, now you are out of control with that Pakistani one.
Fark, I get a stitch looking at it.
Select to expand quoteNewScotty said...
Ok, now you are out of control with that Pakistani one.
Fark, I get a stitch looking at it.
The truth generally is funnier....except it is true
Select to expand quotechrispy said..NewScotty said...
Ok, now you are out of control with that Pakistani one.
Fark, I get a stitch looking at it.
The truth generally is funnier....except it is true
Switch Canada for another country........
www.google.com.au/search?q=anastasia+ashley&client=safari&rls=en&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=GftkUrSBL6SViAfNjIHIBQ&ved=0CCsQsAQ&biw=1173&bih=1043&gws_rd=ssl
Loads of lovely images of Anastasia Ashley on the internet! 
I watched the video for as long as I could stand and the girl's bottom didn't appear.
More patience required?
Here's a live link to Barrett McNamara trying to kill himself....
livestream.com/zon/zonnorthcanyon2013
Thats one place where you really want a local guy completely tuned in to the place driving your ski - far too easy to put you on the wrong one and boy would you cope a pasting. Yuck.
Select to expand quoteNewScotty said..Simondo said..
I ordered mine in Blue with a little extra tail rocker. Mac ordered his in green, slightly wider... But still beautiful!
By the way, have a fantastic evening!
You dirty bastard Simondo.
Edit: My attention span is good for this.
I could stare for long time GI soldier
Those longboards get better looking every time I open this post.
And a very good evening to you all.
ET.
Thanks Pup.
Guys, I've sold 2 boards, and I'm buying another 666.
Plus one of these...http://www.boatsales.com.au/boats-for-sale/boatdetails.aspx?R=15279244&Silo=Stock&Vertical=Boat&Ridx=17&eapi=2
My planned surf turned to sh1t the wind got up early and stayed that way all day.oh well Bintangs and sun burnt 
