JEWISH DIVORCE - GOOD OLD MUM
A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."
Her mother says ...
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away
over 45 cents?"
NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER !
The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks', and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
"The egg timer's broken."
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"
The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something,
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."
Doctor to Blonde Patient: We'll just wait for your x-ray
Blonde Patient: I've never gone out with anyone called Ray
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up.
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
WATER IN THE CARBURETTOR
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool".
My work is done here.
My girlfriend dumped me last week so I took her wheelchair.
She came crawling back.
Select to expand quotecisco said..
Come on he would need steel balls for that. 
True
Select to expand quote
Animal Husbandry
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
Meghan Markle was visiting a primary school and visited one of the class rooms. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Meghan if she would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".So the the attention seeking soap star asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and said: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'. No," said Meghan, "that would be an accident.
"A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy. "I'm afraid not," explained Meghan "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent, no other children volunteered. Meghan searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?
"Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and your husband was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Meghan. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy? "Well," said Johnny "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either....
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old ute parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone had seen it there and to explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his ute in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.
A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.
He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now."
The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The Queensland Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.
"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish....
On any land!
No questions asked!
Do you understand ?!!"
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
The Pope and Gladys Berejiklian were on the stage together outside parliament in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Gladys and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Gladys replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? .. Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage and down the stairs!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'...!
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar ...
'HE LIVES IN A HOME, WITH MY NON-STOP CHATTING AND NAGGING WIFE, HE'S TRYING TO CATCH UP ON HIS SLEEP .. CAN I COME WITH HIM TOMORROW ....???'..............
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a pig under one arm.
He looks at his wife in bed and says,
"Well, this is the cow i've been sleeping with for the last 5 years."
"I think you'll find that's a pig", she replies.
To which the farmer says,
"I think you'll find i was talking to the pig."
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
