Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter answers, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra goes off in search of God.
When he finds Him, the zebra asks, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replies 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returns to see St. Peter once more, who asks him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looks puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiles and says to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'
The zebra asks St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' says St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'
^ Racism in a person is a good indicator that the person is not very well educated and cannot think for themselves. Nevertheless I find a lot of racist jokes very funny and I do not buy into political correctness.
My One day of employment
After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid Madam, I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice....Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings”
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'
It has probably been been on here before but WTF:
A tough-looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
He wants to distract her, so he says the first thing that pops into his head.
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?At least you go out with a nice memory, eh?"
She thinks for a moment and then she gives him a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
"They sent my on-line Tax form back to me!
In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependants?", I replied :
· 1.1 million illegal immigrants
· 0.5 million crack heads
· 2 million unemployable people
· 100,000 criminals in over 30 prisons and
· 565 idiots in Parliament.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who the hell did I miss?"
You know you're a redneck when......''
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Whats the difference between a land-cruiser and a bag full of dead rotting babies?
I don't have a land-cruiser in the garage!
What is the difference between a trailer load of sand and a trailer load of dead babies?
You can't pitchfork sand.
Big E-Bay Problems.
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?
I put in a $72.50 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems
I'm only nineteen minutes away from owning Gillard's entire Cabinet.
NEVER A TRUER WORD HAS BEEN SPOKEN
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . ..
. ... It's women who make it hard !!
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years...
...It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
^^^^
5 years with 3 wives poor bugger must have gone insane I'm sure if he had his wits about him he would've done it earlier
On her recent trip to Poland, Angela Merkel is asked by the customs officer, "occupation?"
"No" she replies, "I'm only here For a few days."
MY WIFE HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE ON SUNDAY. SILLY COW THOUGHT SHE
> COULD DO THE VACUUMING WHILE THE FOOTY WAS ON.
>
>
> JUST BOUGHT THE WIFE SOME CROTCH-LESS KNICKERS FOR HALLOWEEN. NOTHING
> SEXUAL ABOUT IT. JUST GIVES HER A MUCH BETTER GRIP ON HER BROOMSTICK.
>
>
> MY MATE ALWAYS CRIES AFTER SEX. THEN AGAIN, HE IS IN PRISON.
>
>
> HUMPED MY BEST MATES WIFE LAST NIGHT AND TODAY I FEEL AWFUL.........
> SHE MUST HAVE HAD THE FLU OR SOMETHING.
>
>
> THAT'S THE LAST TIME I USE MY SEAN CONNERY ACSHCENT TO TELL MY WIFE TO
> SIT ON MY FACE.
>
>
> AT THE 2012 OLYMPICS THE 100m FINAL WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER FRIDAY
> NIGHT IN LONDON . IN THE 100 METRES FINAL YOU WILL HEAR A GUN SHOT
> FOLLOWED BY EIGHT BLACKS LEGGING IT.
>
>
> COPS STOP A PAKI IN A TRANSIT VAN ON THE MOTORWAY. COP SAYS YOU DO
> KNOW THE LIMIT IS 70 DONT YOU. PAKI LOOKS IN THE BACK AND SHOUTS
> "HEAR THAT. TWO OF YOU WILL HAVE TO GET OUT!!
>
>
> ALL CHEMISTS REPORTED THAT AFTER THE RIOTS AND LOOTING IN LONDON
> THE ONLY THING LEFT ON THE SHELVES WAS FAKE TAN.
>
>
> THE BRITISH GOVERMENT HAS REACTED TO WORLDWIDE RIOTING BY SENDING
> RESCUE VEHICLES TO EVACUATE THE BRITISH CITIZENS. THEY SENT 3 SHIPS
> TO LIBYA , 2 PLANES TO SOMALIA AND A TAXI TO BIRMINGHAM
> >
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself; I'm having that.
An old guy was shopping the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The younger man says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy adds, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she's 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, buxom figure, and she's wearing tight white shorts and a halter top. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Blokes - do you need cheering up ?
Well, here's a great idea!
Watch your wedding video backwards.
The night starts with you getting a root ...
Then you have a great time, good food & drink and sober up without a
hangover ...
You'll love the end bit, where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle,
jump in the car & **** off with your mates.
The latest research found that :
Gin with Ice - damage brain !
Whisky with Ice - damage heart !
Vodka with Ice - damage kidney !
Rum with Ice - damage liver !
It is appear that this damn Ice is bed for everything !
Paddy was in the local bar sporting a big black eye and a few bruises.
Patrick, one of his mates comes up and says, "Paddy! What happened to yer face? It looks terrible! Who did that to yer?
Paddy says " Arrr it was that Morris O'Malley. He did it to me"
Patrick says " But Morris O'Malley is a weedy little runt. How come he could do that to yer.?"
Paddy says "Well oi had me hands full at the toime so oi couldn't foight back."
Patrick says "Oh. What were they full of ?"
Paddy says " Mrs O'Malleys breasts."
A Muslim dies and, by some error in handling, ends up in heaven.
He's stopped at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter who says, 'Sorry, but we
don't accept Muslims into Heaven.'
'What?', enquires the Muslim, 'and why not?'.
'Well, we just don't.'
The Muslim keeps complaining and carries on until St.Peter gets fed up.
'Well', says St.Peter have you ever done anything good in your life?'
'ummm.... the Muslim replies, 'yes, the other day a lady stopped me
on the street collecting for a children's charity so I gave her ten dollars.
Last week I donated another ten dollars to the Cancer Society and a couple of
weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him
ten dollars as well.'
'Alrighty then', says St.Peter 'Wait here and I'll have a quick word with > > God.'
Five minutes later St.Peter returns to the Muslim.
'Listen, I've spoken with God and he agrees with me...
..Here's your 30 bucks back ...... now **** off!'
A couple in the height of an erotic love affair make a passionate pact that whoever dies first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
In a shorter time than it takes for both of them to figure out that there is no lasting fulfillment in fornication the man dies a premature death.
True to his word, he makes the first contact with his lover shortly after his demise.
:
"Marion ... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I root. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course.
After that I root again again, bathe in the warm sun and root a couple of
more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much rooting the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's rooting until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day is a repeat.
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a rabbit living on the edge of a golf course!
He was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
He said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
He said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
His girlfriend has just asked him how many women he's shagged.
He said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So he had to sit there and count them all.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12."
His Wife asked him to go to the Doctors about his Erection problem, she wasn't pleased when he came back and gave her some Slimming Pills
I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living. The barman was crushed to death
She was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
He replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".
New Sex Study
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
”An aboriginals son asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"
"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"
"Sure they are, but that's called “racism
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin ..
In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bird
he's runnin' around with.'
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM," THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
