No Wind! So here come the jokes! (Rated M)

If youre a bit bored at home this weekend with no wind, maybe these jokes will entertain you for a while.

Warning: some of these jokes are a little sexist but I hope they are taken in good humour! Most of these jokes are not suitable for children but since they are all readily available on the net anyway, I figured they would be ok to publish here. I apologise in advance for offending anyone! (if any offend in particular, message me and I will take them down)

Please enjoy and add to this forum if you have any good ones!



A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
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A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
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Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'

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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."








In a recent survey into blowjobs and why men like it, 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement, and 72% just liked the ****ing silence.






teacher asks a question :there are 3 crows on a fence the farmer shoots one how many are left?

little johny puts his hand up. none miss.

why is that johny

cause one got shot and the others flew away.

not the answer i was looking for says the teacher but i like the way your thinking.

johny asks the teacher a question.

there is 3 ladies sitting on a bench eating icecream one is sucking the icecream the other is licking the icecream and the last one is biting the icecream.
wich one is married.

the teacher thinks for a while and replies the one sucking the icecream.

johny says no the one with the wedding ring but i like the way your thinking







A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."







Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an
accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats,
but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door
behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around
collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket,
please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all
that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at
all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The
train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his
restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were
hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."







Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem. "

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place. " He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"



Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, " Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either! "



IT IS NOT OVER YET. . .


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"









Little Johny draws a penis on the blackboard.

The teacher spots it and rubs it out.

As soon as the teacher isn't around, little Johny draws a bigger penis on the blackboard and writes under it.

"The more you rub the bigger it gets".







For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other
in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for
thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of
his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.


The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and
shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from
the bushes with grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and
said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on
it's head."








After hearing his blonde girlfriends distressed cry, her boyfriend walked into the dining room to see her with her head in her hands. What's wrong he asked? The blonde replied"I can't get this jigsaw to look anything like it's supposed to" . Maybe I can help,the boyfriend offers, what's it supposed to be? "it's a rooster like the one on the box". The boyfriend smiles & says" come on , lets have a nice cup of tea, then we'll put all the cornflakes back in the box".







How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


And the last one:

How would the life of a man be without a women?
Boring.










The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that are good looking.

The second floor has wives that are good looking and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.















A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was so shocking that he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too







A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast.
He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
Couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says,
"Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,
but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both
barrels,what's the bad news?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
The reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
Bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her
wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a
sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that...
Now, what's the really good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at
Around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up
again!....

You fancy comin' with us?"








One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response.

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.' With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother."







A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."






A man is walking down the street when he spots a beautiful blonde who waves and says hello. He's shocked she's talking to him so he asks "do you know me?" She says "I think your the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the one and only time he has ever been unfaithful. "My God," he says "are you the stripper from my bucks night that I nailed on the pool table while spanking your friend with celery?" She looks at him horrified: "No, im your daughter's english teacher!"









3 Kick Rule

A big city lawyer from Sydney went duck hunting in the bush in SWQ .

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.


The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best litigation lawyers in
Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Queensland. We settle small disagreements like this
with the "Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back
and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
lawyer .

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.


His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into fresh cow poop .

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my
turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."









BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, Then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."









A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said
"This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year.

"The wife gave her husband healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib,
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go ask him if it was with the same cow."








Nick the Dragon Slayer had had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after, she dressed and the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

moral, pay your bills.







A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl,

"Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies,

"Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says,

"Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,

"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies,

"Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says,

"OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl

is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,

"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?

The girl replies,

"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before

Jessica sticks her ass in it."





Why we split up


We were trying to save money as the mortgage payments were pretty tough to work with.

As you know I don't drink that much - maybe a slab or two on the weekends with the boys.

As a cost saving she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. It was tough, but I agreed.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

Yeah, I was a bit aprehensive to post it but these are all jokes that I have read from other forums on seabreeze.

Hence, I did put a warning at the start but as for the jokes themselves, I figured if they are available already on this site, I have just compiled a few.

By the way, thanks to the people who posted these jokes!