Wanted: new sailing buddy

After unexpectedly jettisoning 100kg of surplus baggage, I appear to be lacking in the sailing companion department.
I'm told I should probably have one of these.
I'm looking far and wide, because frankly I've been a little disappointed with the offerings in the UK.

I've seen what Australians look like, they're on the telly playing with a funny egg shaped ball at the moment and they seem like they might be up to the job. I assume all Aussies look like them right? That Kylie seems fit as well. She's small but she'd be alright I suppose. Are all antipodeans that fit? Well here's hoping.

So here I am, shopping.

What I'm looking for:
Athletic,
I'm not looking for Hugh Jackman or Anna Meares levels of buff or athletic (though it is desirable) but someone who can fit through the door both forwards or backwards and doesn't break the step. Someone who can move from chart table to helm in less than 5 seconds is a must.
I WILL be timing you.

Robust,
I swear a lot. the stench from my guts could gag a maggot if fed the wrong food and after a few days unwashed at sea you might wonder if the smell is that of a rotting fish. I'm not a delicate flower. Thusly, the sailing companion needs a fairly sturdy set of nostrils and capacity to resist punching me every morning when I instinctively and automatically tell anyone near me to "f*&k off" before opening both eyes.
wet wipes will be provided. you may wish to bring your own febreeze.

Must like dogs,
The ships dog will be the judge of that
You will be tested

Good sense of humour,
I will be the judge of that.
You will be tested

Semi decent cook
I'm good at cakes but someone who can make savoury dishes taste greater than the sum of their sausage beans and mash components is highly desirable. When I make sausage beans and mash, it tastes like sausage beans and mash. I want someone who can make that taste like a summer bbq on the beach or greater than the sum of its components. Though, quite frankly, I'd be happy with someone who doesn't set fire to the galley.

Physical attributes,
any hair colour, any height, any gender considered.

Whilst I dream of being a Cougar, I realise this may be limiting myself somewhat. So I'll consider anyone who's currently got a pulse.

you can read a little of what happened to the last sailing companion here
http://www.boogie-nights.org/2015/10...op-me-now.html

There's also the follow up here
www.boogie-nights.org/2015/10/neptune-and-his-gift.html

please send all bribes/gifts/curriculum vitaes to
"Boogie Nights" Haslar Marina, Gosport, England

[please note the above links to blog posts are in no way at all commercial, it's just a bit of fun and are a way for me to vent frustrations/inner thoughts of everyday life as a person who lives on a yacht]

That's a busy post

Everyone in aus does look like high Hackman or Elle McPherson just so you know, we all ride round the streets on kangaroos eating vegemite by the spoonful too

The sailing part looks interesting, would I need to pull on any ropes?

I imagine that there will be a queue a mile (1.6 kilometres) long after a job description like that. Maybe someone on the run?...