Love my older extended family to pieces but cringe at the though of visiting because they unload on you Like i say .Hello How are you ? Dont get a word in for 45min. Not sure how things used to be but its got to the stage where i can visit certain relatives because the conversation is them 97% me% yes yes yes. Hows do you deal with older people.? doing my head in and distancing myself from them as cant deal with it. Went over there the other day and they said i shouldn't be out on the water cause have a broken foot already. Id like to offer some advice back but wouldn't sit to well . They say they they want to see me and my family more But unfortunately with all the added advice i dont seem to be going out my way to accommodate it. What do you do?
Mate they are lonely.
There older there not picking up the phone & playing , there not kids who txt sitting next to each other thinking there funny , bagging old people who are trying to have conversations that said I know it can be punishing so try to hone your conversational skills to keep them on board & interested in what your saying.
Or
you could try my wife's method.
Will you just shut the f@ck up & listen why can't you be a deaf mute .
She thinks that's funny because I'm a bit deaf
I'm never allowed to speak either
Select to expand quotebusterwa said..
Hey doc what time does your ****en retard bus leave the internet cafe?
Bout the same time your selfish piece of sheet bus does
Firstly this is always going to be an emotionally charged subject.....
However my general rule with rellies is, always bring food, it makes everyone sit and generally it becomes a more even playing field for conversation.
As it's hard to grill someone across the table it forces people to engage with those next to them.
2 or three pizzas does a good job as does a round of coffee and some crossaints depending on time off day.
The real power play is also once everyone starts eating they can only talk half as much. This includes yourself and you can actually than engage in a group conversation due to the relaxed nature,,, further the older people get the more they forget to eat,,,, so a lot of the time they are hangry and don't really know it,,, once people are fed they become relaxed and you may even find yourself reconnecting with a loved one through conversation which you may of thought lost.
The coffee run with the kids to nannas is a epic one to do as it really sparks them up.
It is hard as we get older as through life commitments your time becomes vapourized by wifey/kids/work/sleep requirements and hopefully maybe a surf between it all or even ten minutes of peace and quiet.
Sometimes our relations have faults and as you get older you fell less inclined to have to tolerate them,, this is absolutely your right if the relationship is unhealthy or toxic however if the relationship is not unhealthy,,,, some effort must be put in to maintain it particularly if you have children..
I have friends who moved interstate to escape the in-laws/ outlaws due to constant chastising and trying to dictate how to raise the kids,, other mates have arrangements where there is three /four generations on a farm which also works..
Next time you go around take some food
Select to expand quotebusterwa said..
Common Doc With your intellect Id rather talk to my imaginary dog.
Ain't nothin common bout me busterfriendly
There was a study not so long ago that determined that angry old people are not just becoming angry as they get older, they are just angry people, and then they get old. The opposite is also true, and optimistic happy people become optimistic happy older people.
In other words, your personality does not change much when you get older.
I would hazard a guess and say your older relatives were always 97% about themselves and just not good listeners.
Most people assume that good conversationalists are good talkers. Generally, they might be good talkers, but its the listening skills that make a conversation work. Anyone can talk, but a good listener is a pleasure to have a conversation with as each person takes their turn at talking and listening.
I have a friend just like your relatives, in that he can talk about the most mundane, boring, strange topics, that i have absolutely no interest in, and I do the good listener thing and listen politely and interact, yet when its my turn to talk he immediately looks at his watch, starts browsing the internet, and responds to almost everything with 'well there you go', with absolutely no idea what I was talking about. I find this incredibly difficult to deal with. I just can't handle people like that, and if my older relatives were like this, I wouldn't visit them either.
I would be blunt with them and say something like 'you don't seem to care about my family and never ask about us' and see what the reaction is. I don't think it will change anything with people like that, but at least it will tell you if there is any hope. Maybe they will change?
I feel lucky. I had a grandfather and grandmother that were great at normal conversations, and not surprisingly I was happy to visit them a lot.
if you spend more time with them perhaps the dynamic would be better and less akward
Oldies are great because we all gonna be like that soon, just imagine being that old and frail and mortal and incontinence and nod and smile.
I visited my grandpa and grandma the other day, first time in three years, they didn't say bugger all cause they already cremated.
Raz has given you some gold to work with...
One small thing I might add...
Age and wisdom don't always come together, sometimes age trundles along all by itself...
If you are not attached to having them listen to, or understand, your point of view I expect the experience will be better for you.
Source: my (now ex) inlaws talked a great deal and rarely listened...
I have an old bloke call in my cafe most days, he's 93,
Bill was one of 10 related who flew in the air service back in the day, was the oldest flying commercial pilot in Australia
Hes a real gentleman, raises his hat and greets the ladies and girls as he enters the cafe, I thought I'd done a bit so far but very little when I have a yarn with him, I actually miss him if he doesn't turn up , No matter how busy we are I always make time to have a sit and chat, the girls always make him a piece of fruit toast or a scone as a freebie to keep him fed, tbh I could listen all day to some of his life's story's,
Took him out last week to a vintage bike collection of which he'd owned in the past in England again this brought more story's , Some people have respect time and patience for old people, bill lives on his own and I'd say he's a bit lonely at times of the day, so when he gets a chance for a yarn he's away,
Me I'm happy to listen
Select to expand quotecauncy said..
I have an old bloke call in my cafe most days, he's 93,
Bill was one of 10 related who flew in the air service back in the day, was the oldest flying commercial pilot in Australia
Hes a real gentleman, raises his hat and greets the ladies and girls as he enters the cafe, I thought I'd done a bit so far but very little when I have a yarn with him, I actually miss him if he doesn't turn up , No matter how busy we are I always make time to have a sit and chat, the girls always make him a piece of fruit toast or a scone as a freebie to keep him fed, tbh I could listen all day to some of his life's story's,
Took him out last week to a vintage bike collection of which he'd owned in the past in England again this brought more story's , Some people have respect time and patience for old people, bill lives on his own and I'd say he's a bit lonely at times of the day, so when he gets a chance for a yarn he's away,
Me I'm happy to listen
My ex neighbour was in the war and he would happily tell me stories about his service and his training in the airforce. Fascinating stuff. Even the stories about when they built their house following the war and the problems they had getting materials. It was all good stuff.
I think the difference was that he could tell when you were interested or not and adjust accordingly and it was not a monologue.
His wife was not so good and just wanted to have someone to talk at and would recount stories that were not that interesting to me, but still, she would listen and pay attention to whether you were interested or not.
I wonder if it comes down to emotional intelligence and being able to see if the other person is interested or not and giving them a turn at talking?
Select to expand quoteactiomax said..
Or you could try my wife's method.
Will you just shut the f@ck up & listen why can't you be a deaf mute .
I amaze my wife by finishing her stories. She thinks I haven't heard them before.
Select to expand quotebusterwa said..
Love my older extended family to pieces but cringe at the though of visiting because they unload on you Like i say .Hello How are you ? Dont get a word in for 45min. Not sure how things used to be but its got to the stage where i can visit certain relatives because the ....
Irony. Hates listening to old people whinge, so comes here and whinges about old people whinging.
Select to expand quoteevlPanda said..actiomax said..
Or you could try my wife's method.
Will you just shut the f@ck up & listen why can't you be a deaf mute .
I amaze my wife by finishing her stories. She thinks I haven't heard them before.
Haha
Bringing food is good...vice versa is even better !...
The ruskis get very well fed when visiting their babushkas...the Greeks, Italians too...I think.
It hard to put a blanket rule on this, a lot of valid opinions and thoughts here. I work at a hospital and see a lot of people over the age of 80 and also regularly see the best and worst in people (patients and family). As FormulaNova stated some people are easier to be around then others, and in cauncy's case I think you have a interesting neigbour by the sounds of it, plenty of people with interesting stories and lives to hear from.
A few things to consider when communicating with people with different communication styles:
1. your choices are your own, nobody can tell you what to do.
2. you are entitled to your own opinion right or wrong and so are they.
3.you are your own judge.
4.you dont have to justify yourself to anyone else.
5.others don't have to justify themselves to you.
6.people can ask me whatever they want. (I don't have to answer)
I think when you put all these points together and reflect on them its a lot easier to deal with different people and differences in opinion, its easier to be 'tactful' and have a laugh and make the most of any situation or person. At least its something to aspire to.
These deeper beliefs have helped me with situations similar to what you described buster. Now here's the exception: If I'm tired or stressed my patience isn't there and I'm not in the mood to entertain as much so I simply avoid or get out of these situations.
My old neighbour was a WW2 veteran and on the HMS Achilles and he could tell stories, sometimes had to shorten the conversation politely.
He lived in his house proudly until the last few months, you didn't want to try his cooking
Our family grew close to the old bugger and saw him up ladder a few times so would do want needed to be done.
One morning saw him motionless outside his front door thinking he had meet his maker only to wake him up and call ambulance.
He died at the age of 96 a few years before his wife but on the same day and saw so many of his mates drop away.
Another neighbour in her seventies was just a unhappy and known as "lemon lips".
As before in the thread its about your personality and seeing the glass half full.
I was going to move for work until found out my partner was pregnant and hard to move when her parents were 10 minutes away and her mum was former teacher an so good with grandkids, my mum was also reasonably close.
I understand how hard it is to visit relatives but important to invest time in family.
Its not until you become a parent that you appreciate your parents and all they did for you.
As your parents get older you end up being the parent and need to sort out power of attorney and when they get sick put your big boy pants on and visit them, Now my daughter has lost both grans and realise the quality time we had.
Point is suck it up, be polite and keep conversation positive and sometimes to the point.
Agree sharing a meal is good.
Most important make the most of every day.
Dr Phil over and out
Well I reckon some of you are being a little harsh on old Buster...
The older I get the less tolerant I am of giving attention to pointless meandering conversations... especially my own. I'm very prone nowadays to cutting off a talk I'm giving...just stopping!!..makes people feel weird...but I don't really care anymore what they think.
I've become especially less tolerant of Old people and the opposite sex in general....Not that I resent them, I just can't be bothered listening to anything they have to say.
Then again the absolute worst is when your wife thinks its a good idea to get together with her friend and you have to sit down with some shmuck of a husband and listen to his 4wd or fishing stories....or worse, he goes through all the toys he has etc etc. ...and they are always better than yours. If they are not, they have a friend of a friend who has something better than yours.
I generally give them a few minutes grace, then the tosser alert sounds and I literally say nothing. Make for fun get to togethers!!! bahahahha
I'm not finding nor hiring friends anymore... no need. I have my pall bearers, I'm done.
But but but....Buster my friend you are the only one suffering...so what I do is...
....go into my happy Gilmore happy place...otherwise my selfish intellect takes over and I begin to hate life at that particular moment.
That's all relative bashes to be honest - young and old. Luckily my two brothers feel the same so there's always a cricket bat or a football to be had lying around!!!!
So leave poor old Buster alone you perfect philanthropic amazing conversationalist, saving the world with your Old people tolerance.
I am oldish at 72 I guess and all my kite, kayak and surf buddies are very tolerant of me.
This could be just my view as they are hard to hear as I cut them off or drop in on them.
PS I currently do not have any issues with my granparents or parents as they just listen.
Conversation isn't what it's cracked up to be.
Most of it leaves me cold.
But it is nice to share good times with friends.
When people start giving unwanted advice though, it's time to let them know they are driving you away.
Select to expand quotecauncy said..
I have an old bloke call in my cafe most days, he's 93,
Bill was one of 10 related who flew in the air service back in the day, was the oldest flying commercial pilot in Australia
Hes a real gentleman, raises his hat and greets the ladies and girls as he enters the cafe, I thought I'd done a bit so far but very little when I have a yarn with him, I actually miss him if he doesn't turn up , No matter how busy we are I always make time to have a sit and chat, the girls always make him a piece of fruit toast or a scone as a freebie to keep him fed, tbh I could listen all day to some of his life's story's,
Took him out last week to a vintage bike collection of which he'd owned in the past in England again this brought more story's , Some people have respect time and patience for old people, bill lives on his own and I'd say he's a bit lonely at times of the day, so when he gets a chance for a yarn he's away,
Me I'm happy to listen
To be fair, this old guy sounds like one worth making the time to listen to and speak with.
Busters' oldies, the way he describes it, don't sound anywhere near as pleasant to be around.
Unfortunately Busters' oldies sound more like the common than people like your customer.
I think that's what everyone is missing here. Some people just rattle on too much without regard to what the other person has to say, age irrelevant. And that coupled with negativity sure doesn't help.
From personal experience, age is a big factor!
Firstly remembering what you've said to who is difficult.
But gradually it just becomes remembering what you said 5mins ago. Repetition becomes very common.
On top of that, there is a feeling, that with all the extra years of life experience, you're somehow more qualified to offer an opinion on almost anything, even if you have no idea who you are talking to.
Thanks fellas a lot of good replies in here taken the time to read them all Grand parents love the grandkids I taken it on board that Take some home cooked meals over there and the grandkids.The kids seem to break the 1 on 1 conversation and keep him busy Im probably gona end up like him one day. Ill keep him closely monitored if he starts leaving on the stoves and dangerous electrical equipment and life becomes to unsafe for him I guess well have to accommodate him at our place. Sad seeing people get old ;-( They have the heart Just not the fountain of youth to maintain it.Its very challenging to deal with especially with a young
growing family .
Select to expand quotedecrepit said..
From personal experience, age is a big factor!
Firstly remembering what you've said to who is difficult.
But gradually it just becomes remembering what you said 5mins ago. Repetition becomes very common.
On top of that, there is a feeling, that with all the extra years of life experience, you're somehow more qualified to offer an opinion on almost anything, even if you have no idea who you are talking to.
On that, the amazing thing that has surprised me with oldies often is they're experience...in a certain situation a old person might be giving unsolicisited advice about how to approach the matter, internally I've thought "yeh righto maybe that's how it was for you but this is different" and as it plays out I might think "geez that oldie was sharp and onto it although they just sounded like they were dribbling"
Be careful what you wish for..28 year old male growing up in a new age of easily offended beings and lazy ungrateful youth who want to sponge of the hard work of there parents.they are old. they have little to zero outlets of there 1950s opinioons.
they will be dead before you.
learn what you can.
while you can.
Maybe be grateful that they still exist.
I wish i had some of my dead folk to talk too.
Ask yourself what is the common denominator in all of these relationships? It is you. There's the problem.
